It’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature

Dear Earthlings,

You crack me up. I thank you, because it?s healthy to laugh now and then.

You play baseball from April through October and football from September to February, and wonder why the weather doesn't always cooperate.

To quote what I hear you say a lot, ?Well, duh!?

Perhaps my perspective is better than yours, because I?ve been around since God created the Earth.

I?ll give you credit. You?ve tried to outsmart me by building domed stadiums, or a stadium with a retractable roof. That?s OK, I guess, if you have millions of extra dollars to spend on such frivolity.

I enjoy watching baseball as much as you do, but I don?t understand why your season is so long. This year?s World Series will be remembered for a rain delay in Philadelphia that I caused. The game was suspended close to 2 a.m. with the field in a quagmire.

It was funny watching the ground crew pour stuff on the field to absorb the moisture. Trust me, you can pour a truckload of that stuff, but if I make it rain long and hard enough, any field becomes unplayable. Just ask the people in Noah?s time. The whole Earth was unplayable for quite a while.

I laughed when baseball commissioner Bud Selig said, ?We?ll stay here if we have to celebrate Thanksgiving here.? I was half-tempted to test his willingness to wait. But I?m never mean just for for the sake of meanness.

I?ve heard some say, ?If you don?t like the weather, just wait five minutes. It will change.? Not to brag, but I know more about change than all of you, including president-elect Barack Obama, put together.

Everyone points to hurricanes as evidence of how vicious I am. But if you?re so smart, why do you continue to build and rebuild cities in places at or below sea level?

I had to chuckle at the columnist who wrote the weather condition for Game 5 of the World Series ?was like standing in your freezer while someone sprayed you with a garden hose. It was beyond miserable.?

I hear that Selig and other baseball officials consulted three different weather forecast services to determine whether to even play the game that night. The forecasts were generally favorable?with no more than one-tenth of an inch of rain expected?so the decision was made to proceed with the first pitch.

Memo to anyone who will listen: Since when have mere mortals, aka weather forecasters, ever been trustworthy?

And can someone explain the evolution of weatherman and weatherwoman into meteorologist, when the weather is unrelated to meteors?

So go ahead and blame me for delaying your games. If you played baseball from May through September, you?d find that I cooperate more often than not. Of course, a shorter season means players and owners don?t make as much money, so let greed override common sense if you must.

Go ahead and freeze with night baseball games in late October. I remember the good ol? days when kids listened to the radio or watched TV in school when the Fall Classic was played in the daylight.

Football owners aren?t any smarter. Maybe it?s macho to play games in December and January when the weather is cold and snowy in much of America, but whatever became of common sense? Why do some fans attend games in freezing weather without a shirt on? Is it for 10 seconds of fame on TV? ?Hey, Mom, look at me! I?m blue!?

I will charitably refrain from commenting on some people?s fondness for using alcohol-based products as ?human antifreeze? to cope with low-temperature conditions.

With so much seemingly at stake in the playoffs, why play football games in inclement January weather to determine who plays in the Super Bowl?

Just in case you wondered, the most accurate weatherman in all my years on Earth was comedian George Carlin who forecast, ?Dark, with continued dark until partly scattered light in the morning.? Even I find that funny.

Let me close with an observation from columnist Charles Memminger: ?In the beginning, God created Weatherman and endowed him with just enough ability to almost always incorrectly guess what tomorrow?s weather would be.?


Mother Nature

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