And now, sports headlines you won’t see anytime soon


You’ve heard the saying, “Nothing surprises me anymore.” Well, here are some headlines that would definitely surprise me.

With most prognosticators, it’s safe to assume that they’ll miss a certain number of their predictions. I’m prepared to boldly predict with 99.9 percent certainty that the following headlines will never come true.

Without further adieu, here are those fake headlines….

“Coach credits officials for helping team win game”

This is a no-brainer. The players and coach deserve the credit win or lose, although some coaches find it far easier to blame officials than themselves. And it’s easy for coaches to point out the bad calls that hurt their team. If they were consistent, wouldn’t they point out the equally bad calls that benefited their team?

“KU, KSU agree to play regularly in Koch Arena”

KU and KSU may play men’s basketball against Wichita State someday, but preferably at home or on a neutral floor during the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

“NASCAR disbands for environmental reasons”

Fans won’t pay big bucks to watch cars drive around a track at 55 mph to see which car is most fuel-efficient. It’s hard to be green when tens of thousands of racing fans drive their cars to a racetrack to watch cars speed around a track.

“Professional sports teams cut ticket prices by 75 percent”

This will happen only in your dreams, and even then it’s not too likely.

“K-State clones Bill Snyder to assure successful football program beyond 2020”

I’m fairly confident that cloning is not a viable option and won’t be in time for this to transpire.

“Golf announces a Tiger Award to player hitting the most trees”

If you don’t understand this one, don’t ask. Just move on.

“Major college coaches agree to be paid like English professors”

With all due respect to these well-paid professionals and to America’s capitalistic system, how much money is enough?

“All coaches fulfill terms of contract”

Coaches often leave a school for a better offer as soon as they have success, even though they have years left to serve on a contract.

“Professional teams to sell concessions at fair prices”

Instead of milking every penny from fans who attend sporting events, wouldn’t it be nice if teams sold concessions at a price similar to what you’d pay outside the stadium? It might be nice, but it’s out of touch with reality.

“Coaches want players to call their own fouls”

Yeah, right. Say what you want about officiating, but this would be a recipe for disaster.

“Tabor adds water polo, boxing to athletic program”

Boxing wouldn’t be a good fit for Tabor’s mission. And water polo would be too expensive.

“Hillsboro/Marion agree to swap mascots”

For some odd reason, I find this mildly amusing. Imagine if we had the Hillsboro Warriors and Marion Trojans. That would surely be a sign of the end times.

“Professional sports teams agree to fund a Hall of Shame”

This would fix the dilemma of where to place athletes who have Hall of Fame careers, but who have conduct issues unbecoming to star athletes.

“Badminton overtakes football as national pastime”

If football doesn’t clean up its act on head trauma/concussions, the time may come when there are more former badminton than football players.

“No sports scandals occur during an entire calendar year!”

No chance of this happening. And with Facebook and Twitter, sports scandals are spreading faster than wildfire.

“IOC announces beach volleyball contestants must have body fully covered below the neck and above the ankles”

Call it an attempt to protect against sand abrasions.

“Stadiums ban advertising”

The almighty dollar is far more important to owners than having a beautiful or sign-free stadium.

“NFL expands season to 30 games”

Given the popularity of the sport, this might be possible. But as hard as the sport is on the human body, it’s really impossible to play more games, right?

“Officials in all sports are eliminated by machines”

I realize that replays are in vogue and they help correct some bad calls. However, machines will never eliminate the need for humans. Besides, fans wouldn’t get as much pleasure yelling at a machine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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