A few resolutions made to be broken


So, without further adieu, here are New Year’s resolutions that probably will never be made or kept.

Barry Bonds resolves to donate the last year of his salary to the cause of eradicating performance-enhancing drugs in athletics.

Former Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino, who quit with three games left in the regular season to take the head coaching job with Arkansas, resolves to stay at Arkansas for the rest of his career.

KU basketball coach Bill Self resolves to schedule Wichita State in a home-and-home series for the next eight years because it makes sense for the major in-state schools to play each other.

Not to be outdone, K-State coach Frank Martin does the same.

The New York Yankees resolve to spend less on player salaries than half of the teams in Major League Baseball by 2012.

Hillsboro High School football coach Len Coryea resolves never to run another trick play in a football game.

Hillsboro High School basketball coach Darrel Knoll resolves to use only a zone defense for an entire season.

The Kansas City Chiefs resolve to return half of the money to season-ticket holders if the Chiefs perform as poorly in 2008 as they did in 2007.

The Kentucky Derby agrees to hold its race only if the public agrees not to bet on the outcome.

In order to become better stewards of limited natural resources, NASCAR agrees to reduce the length of its races by 50 percent.

Alpo hires Michael Vick to be its chief spokesperson for selling dog food.

Former NBA official Tim Donaghy, who became infamous for pleading guilty to gambling charges, promises not to alter the outcome of any games he officiates in state penitentiaries.

Major League Baseball finally takes a firm stand against performance-enhancing drugs and painkillers by banning all drugs, including aspirin.

Major college football agrees to a playoff system to determine a national champion. Unfortunately, the playoffs last until March, which makes basketball coaches unhappy because it steals some of the thunder from March Madness.

The NFL bans the review of controversial calls in an effort to shorten games. But in order to allow for the possibility that an occasional call is missed, a coin flip will be used to determine whether a challenged call is right or wrong.

Basketball rulemakers decide to abstain from making any rule changes for two years.

Basketball rulemakers change their mind and instead decide to make rule changes every month during the season.

Major League Baseball agrees to start the season in mid-April and end in time for the playoffs to begin in mid-September so baseball can be played during better weather. Players agree to take 15-20 percent salary cuts to make the plan feasible.

Marion, Peabody, Goessel and Hillsboro high schools consolidate in an effort to have a single, strong county-wide athletic program.

I resolve not to miss any calls while I officiate high school basketball games for the rest of the season. See, I told you resolutions were made to be broken.


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