Sports czar should oversee athletes ?too big to fail?

With a matter of days remaining until the start of the NFL season, I?d like to share a few thoughts in no particular order. Note: if you?re one of those people who ?values time? or ?needs exercise? I?m going to suggest skipping reading this column in favor of…well…doing anything else.


* * *

Memo to the Oakland Raiders: trading a first round pick for Richard Seymour (or any other player in the final year of a massive contract) is the football equivalent of buying a house while leasing the land underneath it. This story ends with someone saying ?But it seemed like a good deal at the time.?

* * *

There is full-on panic among the friends in my ?Pray for the Broncos? fantasy football league. Would it make me a bad person if I bought a year?s supply of Jay Cutler-to-Matt Forte post cards and started conducting all of my fantasy team?s business via snail mail?

I wonder if I can get a post card with a picture of Cutler and Forte celebrating at the end of that 12-play 98-yard drive during the second week of the preseason.

* * *

Not totally unrelated to football: Jozy Altidore sure is fun to watch. His career highlights reel so far includes the winning goal against Spain during the Confederations Cup, as well as a handful of records related to being ?youngest American to score? under various circumstances.

* * *

I think whichever NFL team drafts Tim Tebow ought to make every possible effort to acquire Vince Young in a trade and sign Jeff Garcia?just so they can be the first team ever to put three competant passers on the field for one play. Three wide receivers, Garcia under center, Tebow and Young set split backs behind him…and run three plays: Toss sweep/halfback option pass to either side of the field (of course, to the ?quarterback? whose handedness makes the most sense); a Vince-Tim double flares look; and two distinct ?quarterback? draws. Oh, and work in an audible to a Wildcat look where Garcia splits out to the wide side of the field.

(Waiting.)

(Waiting.)

No, I?m not joking! I think it would be a great idea for a head coach to stake their livelihood and career credibility on the ramblings of some writer who hasn?t slept enough lately!

* * *

I don?t think there?s anything happening in the world right now that I care less about than what the loss of Sam Bradford means to Oklahoma. The loss of such an important cog in the machine that keeps society moving might wreck the Oklahoma (the state?s) economy, but I think Oklahoma (the football factory) will be just fine without him.

But the status of Jermaine Gresham ought to be regarded as a most important single issue faced by our nation today. Obama should appoint a sports czar to oversee the surgery (or lack of surgery) Gresham requires. Because Gresham is too big to fail.

* * *

I?d nominate Bill Simmons to be that sports czar, except he already nominated himself. Also, the cars czar should dictate the manufacture of more sports cars, just so sports czar can be provided with a super-sweet company vehicle.
Whoever the sports czar is, he (or she?because that COULD happen…seriously, it could) should be charged with compiling a fully indexed and instantly sortable database of every person?s athleticism. You know, like how Madden football has an attributes czar who evaluates every player?s speed, strength, acceleration and so on and so forth.

Having a database of every person?s athleticism would really help alleviate the awkwardness kids face on the playground. It?d be totally justifiable to choose Tommy over Timmy if you could point to a simple summation of ratings to make the case ?Well, Tommy, I agree you?re faster, but Timmy is a better overall kickball player. And his run blocking might help on special teams.?

More from Hillsboro Free Press
Watch out for kids
As a new academic year begins this week for several of our...
Read More