Normal Self, Bitter Self tell it like it is…probably

I?m home. Well, one of my homes. Omaha-home. For one month, I have left behind Chicago and its infinite stressors?terrible traffic, rude drivers, late buses, forever-wet streets, and…horrible roommates.

I know I?ve mentioned my frustrating ?big-girl apartment? situation before, and even though it?s finally over, (hooray for on-campus living!) I?m still pretty bitter that my roommates? shenanigans consumed my semester.

Surely, I?m not the easiest person in the world to live with, but I have a fair understanding of general courtesy, know how to co-exist with another person, and pay my share of rent and bills. Unfortunately, that?s more than I can say about some of my summer and fall roommates.

So. There?s that.

Now, as many of you may remember, I?m incredibly sassy and sarcastic even when I?m in a good mood and the sky is blue. Obviously, the sarcasm and sass get kicked up a notch when I?m annoyed and Chicago?s ever-gloomy weather has rolled in. So, without further ado, I now present to you:

?A Sarcastic Interview with My Bitter Self:?

Normal Self: What was your favorite part about living with random roommates?

Bitter Self: Gosh, it?s too hard to pick! I loved so many things. Where to begin…. I loved that my roommate routinely left her crusty, smelly dishes out so I could wash them for her! I?ve always dreamed of being just like Cinderella.

I especially appreciated the way that my roommate wouldn?t put fuzzy pads on the bottom of her furniture. Every time she rearranged furniture or pulled her chairs across our floor, a cool little design was etched into the wood! It looks so pretty. I think the next tenants will really appreciate that personal touch.

Normal Self: Wow! Anything else?

Bitter Self: Yeah! My roommate brought pets. I love, love, love pets, but I can?t quite afford one of my own yet. Guess what she had? Dust bunnies! They are so cute. To keep them alive, all she had to do was never, ever dust or sweep EVER. Totally easy, right? I hear dust bunnies live even longer than cats! Awesome.

Normal Self: This is ridiculous.

Bitter Self: Ridiculously awesome, maybe! Guess what else? One of my roommates wore my clothes every single day. It made me so happy. They say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, right? Well, in that case, I said to her, ?Wear them! Wear them all! Without asking! And steal some when you leave, please!? She did. And I loved that.

Normal Self: Intense. Were there any…difficult parts of living with people you couldn?t depend on?

Bitter Self: Oh, not really. I mean, one time a ?friend? stayed with me for three months and didn?t pay a penny in rent or utilities. Then she took off with a bunch of my stuff. But I make a ton of money at my part-time coffee-shop job, so I can totally afford to cover for freeloaders.

Normal Self: You and me both, girl. Well, We?re about out of time for today. Better get some sleep before the grouchies hit you hard! Har har har.

Now, yes, I realize that this article is a bit passive-aggressive of me (apparently dating a Minnesotan is having a strong effect on me…kidding! I love northerners). I know that in real life I can?t be sarcastic if I want to solve my problems. Under usual circumstances, though, I?d never let someone walk all over me the way my roommates did this semester. Well, wait…yes, I probably would.

One of the biggest things I?ve learned recently is that I?m not well-accustomed to sticking up for myself. Putting my foot down feels ?mean? or ?rude,? but being nice doesn?t mean I have to let people take advantage of me. I?ve learned to stick up for myself?the hard way (again).

Overall, I?m just surprised by the lack of common decency some people have. I know, I know. Living with a roommate is always challenging in some way, but I never thought it would be this bad.

I?ve got my own stuff to work through, and I?m sure there were times that I got on my roommates? nerves just as much as they frustrated me, but, for the love of washing dishes and sweeping the kitchen floor! I hope I?m never that rude or inconsiderate to another human being. And if I am, you can take away my ?30 Rock? viewing privileges for a week. That?ll really make me get my act together. And I?m not being sarcastic.

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