Son?s wit shines via Twitter

I am becoming a bit more tech savvy and have learned a lot about Twitter during the past year, though I still have a long way to go before I catch up with the kids.

Basically, it is a way to communicate a person?s thoughts, or to pass on someone else?s comments, in 140 characters.

My son, whom I still consider young even as he approaches the 31st anniversary of his birth, is the main reason I have any interest at all in Twitter. I think some of his tweets are downright hilarious. I would like to offer a taste of the wit son Jordan espouses at ?jorpex.? My wife says they are funnier if you read them out loud.

Some are just reflections about life in general….

Try sneezing with a Breathe Right strip on your nose sometime.

My favorite announcement today: ?The intercom is now working.?

Kix don?t taste as good as I remember them. Maybe because I am now neither a kid or a mother.

Some older folks never learned the friendly neighbor wave. Apparently, they all live close to me.

A commercial for The Biggest Loser said ?you?ll never believe what they look like now.? I haven?t seen an episode this year. So, yes I can.

Having a suit that doesn?t quite match either says you wear a suit all the time and are taking a risk, or you aren?t very good at suits.

I know which one is Alvin because he has a big ?A? on the front of his shirt.

Power went out in the movie theater. We get a glimpse of how our forefathers lived.

I went out and looked at the moon. That is all. Carry on.

Some are a bit more personal.

It?s hard for me to sleep with clothes on. That is why I don?t drive naked.

I walk into a public restroom stall like someone is gonna scare me.

Sometimes I am just horrible at wasting time. Mostly when I have nothing to do.

I hadn?t prepared any good banter to use while standing at the soda machine. Apparently everyone else had.

I can?t decide if my use of twitter is like yelling down a dark alley or whispering in a crowded mall.

I just bought a gallon of milk at 10 a.m. The man at the register said ?have a good night.? I was like ?sure, you too.?

I ate a burger from a convenience store. Now my arm is feeling numb. Related?

Why is it wherever I live, UPS packages get on the truck around 6 a.m. and get to my house after 4 p.m.? Going from KY to MO took it less time.

When I answer a whole category correctly while watching Jeopardy I feel like a whole person.

Underwear in the hallway to the restrooms. Maybe we shouldn?t eat here anymore.

Sometimes I have to teach myself a song that I wrote.

Joke I have been working on my whole life: The Umpire Strikes Out.

I feel like no one has really given me a chance to find out if I am good at the luge.

You may ask how I am mowing my yard in the dark. The answer: not well.

I have a shirt that says authentic western wear. It also says made in Korea. I am gonna guess it was south-western Korea.

Some tweets are pointed advice to help others.

Try not to let the last thing you see before you die be a picture of someone else?s food.

Subway should make croissants a bread option. Subway: eat French.

I guess you have to be cautious of any positive news on April 1st.

Here is something you can do. If while in your car you find yourself deciding that you are going to turn, test your turn signals.

Dear guy in the giant truck going the wrong way in the parking lot, No.

Try not to have your mouth open when trimming your beard.

Some tweets require hash tags to help clarify them.

Captain Mormon?s Spiced Gum. #isthisajoke

I am looking forward to the time change this weekend. Some of my clocks will be right again. #procrastination

Thanks, guy behind me, for letting me play ?motorcycle or jeep with a headlight out?? #butSeriouslyGetItFixed

Emoticonvention. #isthisathing

Les Paul Miserables. #isthisathing

I would like to buy an owl. Pat: I am sorry, that is incorrect. #wheeloffortune

Some of the tweets are a bit more focused. The following are from the crouton series.

In am seriously considering starting a blog where I review croutons.

Guys, you can dip croutons in hummus.

Croutons are like snowflakes.

Tonight?s things I ate while I should have been going to bed: chocolate, croutons (two different kinds), and potato salad.

I think my favorite food might be croutons.

I like mac and cheese. I like croutons. I topped my mac and cheese with croutons. Deal with it America. #sorryAmericajust kidding

And, finally, here are a couple of my favorites from the early days, like in 2012.

It?s getting really hard to find a pay phone nowadays. Maybe someone should make an app.

If you go to the home improvement stores, they offer so many paint samples. If you are buying a toilet, you should be offered a stool sample.