Some alternative truths for the public

These days, if someone doesn’t like the facts as presented, he or she can simply declare that there are alternative truths. Mind you, they are not lies. Allow me to offer some ATs that if true, would rock the world.

Dale Earnhardt was gay. Were this true, NASCAR lovers all over America would be trying to scour away their tattoos.

Wearing a baseball cap backwards actually improves a person’s IQ, despite appearing to do the opposite. Pair it with some sagging pants, and you have a winning combination for a job interview.

Scientists have discovered that cavemen invented the meme through the placement of prehistoric drawings paired with snarky hieroglyphics on the walls of their homes. Just as is the case today, however, they could not clearly define the term.

Fascist world leaders actually have the best interests of their people at heart when they govern with an iron fist. The commoners love a good missile launch or expensive military parade, even if it means they go hungry.

Ford Transits are not safe for hauling students. Thank goodness this isn’t true. I love the two new FTs at USD 410. They drive like a dream, seat up to 10, have great visibility for the operator, get good gas mileage and are cheaper than the former favorite of schools everywhere, the Suburban. Their popularity is evident at any activity. But, apparently, they only come in white.

The National Rifle Association is dedicated to hunting and sport shooting enthusiasts. Its leadership has no interest in protecting handgun or assault weapon use.

The giant islands of plastic trash that currently float in the ocean are actually good for the environment. Sea turtles love to wear six-pack holders as jewelry.

The supreme court of the United States is apolitical. There is no such thing as an activist judge. In reality, as the president goes, so goes the appointment of the justices.

All iPhones have essentially the same internal workings. Apple just changes the outsides and puts a new number on them. In an apparent “wait just one minute” moment, the sheep who usually stand in line to be the first to purchase the latest and greatest smart phone are now hesitating, causing Apple stock to plummet.

Any resolution higher than 1080p is not discernible by the human eye. This is actually kind of true. But, it’s a bit more complicated. Experts say it depends on the size of the screen, the angle of viewing and the distance between the viewer and the device. The bigger the screen, the higher the viewing quality.

Rosie the Riveter was actually a man. Fortunately, that is not true. She empowered and inspired many women in her wake.

It is possible to watch a movie in a theater without eating a five-gallon tub of popcorn and drinking a 64-ounce soda. Good luck finding someone who can resist temptation to conform to the norm, however.

Jesus, upon whose teaching Christianity has been based for millenniums, was actually dark-skinned, antiestablishment and came from a Jewish family. He was not white or an American. Wait. That one really is true.

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