New candidate proclaims platform

And, I also know there is no way I can win. I am not rich. I am not famous. I will not compromise my beliefs concerning what is best for this country. People like me don?t have a chance.

Having declared my candidacy and having admitted I can?t possibly win, I am asking for your vote, fellow Kansans. Here is my stand on the issues. I invite any of the other candidates to steal any part of it and use it as they wish.

On the issue of illegal aliens, I believe there is no possible way to send them all home, and there is no practical reason to do so. Therefore, if they are in this country at the moment I am elected president, they are in. They will receive this amnesty if they register themselves with U.S. Immigration and begin the process of becoming citizens.

Of course, this would not apply to illegals who have been convicted of felonies and are in our prisons.

My reasoning for this strategy? Many people who have entered this country are hard workers who are benefitting our national economy. Given further rights as citizens, they will continue to be productive. And, if we know who and where they are, they can be taxed just like the rest of us.

I want to make my intentions clear on the issue of Iraq. Our troops should come home immediately. We are trying to be police officers in the middle of a civil war. This is a no-win situation for our country.

Every day, millions of our tax dollars are being spent in punishing a country that never invaded our soil and who hates us more and more every day. To paraphrase a campaign of long ago, ?It?s the oil, stupid.?

This brings me to national health coverage. I believe we could use money being thrown away on the Iraq war to fund universal health coverage. Now is the time. We must take care of our own people. Even Cuba does a better job of health care than America does.

Capping the profits on oil by controlling the future market is another way to revitalize our country and improve our confidence in the economy. It is no surprise that we are heading into a recession.

While it will be fun to receive a tax ?rebate? courtesy of the federal government this spring, it is too little too late. Besides, the money will increase the national debt because it has no gold or silver to back it up.

Our currency is at an all-time low against the Euro. Most people do not realize that there are businesses in the United States that will no longer accept American dollars for purchases. Customers must use the Euro.

If elected, I would declare National White Guy Month so that rednecks would no longer be able to use the complaint that they are under appreciated. We would never have to hear about how having Black History Month is unfair, despite the fact that white Americans have not ever been enslaved, discriminated against or brutalized for much of our country?s first 100 years.

I would create a national health initiative, providing incentives for the fast-food industry to help improve the quality of life for all Americans by slimming us down. Tax breaks would be available for citizens who control their fat and sugar intake, spurn cigarettes and reduce their waistlines through exercise.

I would also provide federal help for cities the size of Hills?boro that want to create walking and biking paths for their residents.

What else would I do as president?

Bring back a lower speed limit, maybe 5 mph below what it is now.

Provide incentives for states to install wind generators and develop solar energy.

Create a national tax on cigarettes at $5 per pack to help with the cost of my national healthcare program.

Spearhead an overhaul of the federal income tax to create a flat rate for all Americans, including the wealthy.

Mandate higher fuel economy for any automobiles sold in the United States. Support development of an electric car.

Require that all athletes be at least 21 years old before they can be drafted by professional teams.

Work to make it illegal for anyone to use a cell phone while driving. The exception to this would be rural interstate highways. It can get mighty lonely driving across western Kansas or Nebraska. Keep in mind, the speed limit will be lower.

And, finally, lead a drive to replace the electoral college with a straight up, one person, one vote national election system. That?s the only hope for the common man or woman to become president of these United States.

So, vote for me, especially if you were planning to cast your ballot for anyone besides the Republican. Thanks to the electoral college, you will be throwing away your vote anyway.