Illnesses that need medication

Just try watching the evening news without feeling sick. I’m not talking about the content of the broadcast itself; rather, I am referring to the commercials.

There is a seemingly endless stream of advertisements about diseases I have never heard of and ways to cure said diseases. And, sometimes, the list of side effects seems worse than the illness under treatment. Trying to stay on top of current events can be a hypochondriac’s worst nightmare, though there is likely a drug to treat that.

I often wonder where pharmaceutical companies come up with the names for their products. Some labels make perfect sense. Others appear to come out of left field. You would think every possible name has been used.

Not so fast, Rolaids breath. Many diseases exist that are just waiting for a medicine that is “clinically proven” to be effective against them. Here is my list of suggested names for illnesses yet to be conquered.

• Sarcastonix: Stops sarcasm in its tracks. Yea, right.

• Presinex: Relieves stress caused by the election cycle. The label warns against overdosing during September, October and November. One side effect is an urge to vote for “none of the above.”

• Textova: Applied in the form of eye drops, this treatment helps overcome the desire to constantly check a smart phone for texts, emails and cute cat videos. A list of side effects is available online.

• Trumpidone: Treats those who suffer from the inability to engage their brains before putting their mouths in gear. This drug is also an anti-zenophobic, anti-racist, anti-homophobic and anti-narcissistic treatment. Side effects include hair loss and a potential loss of self-confidence and self-assuredness.

• Herodryl: Helps people over 40 understand the plot lines of comic-book inspired movies. However, this medication can cause users to talk endlessly about the “good old days, when Hollywood knew how to make a good film.”

• Brovina: Relieves family tension brought on by rivalries among male siblings. Women who are pregnant or plan to become pregnant should avoid contact with this medication.

• Athlease: As ability to play sports at a high level diminishes with age, this medical breakthrough stimulates the brain to decrease the desire to participate. A side effect is the potential early onset of a “mid-life crisis,” especially in men, resulting in purchases of loud motorcycles and muscle cars to compensate.

• Liagra: Suppresses the desire to tell falsehoods, especially among fishermen and politicians. This medication is also sold under the brand name Fibialis.

• Passportoden: For those who get anxious before a vacation, wondering whether they over-packed or under-packed or forgot something important, this medication will help them focus on the good times ahead. This medication is not recommended for airline passengers as it is not powerful enough to compensate for their potential frustrations.

• Booganot: The directions call for this cream to be placed on the fingers of children, especially just prior to the taking of family portraits. When the ointment comes in contact with the inside of the nose, it creates an unpleasant sensation that causes the child to immediately remove the finger from the nostril. In rare cases, it may also be prescribed for drivers caught in stop-and-go traffic.

• Petacillin: Makes the neighbor’s yippy dog more tolerable by blocking selected sounds from the auditory nerves. The label lists one side effect, however. This medication may block one spouse from hearing the other’s voice during intense discussions.

Be sure to ask your doctor before starting any of these medications. Self-diagnosis is not recommended under any circumstances.

Bob Woelk teaches English and journalism at Hillsboro Middle/High School. He can be reached at

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