Finally, a good deal for the silly-product buyer


Most of you know that going to the store with small children can be quite the adventure. If they’re not touching everything in sight, they’re asking for something. “Can we get this?” is repeated ad nauseam.

Some of their requests are a little outlandish. I really don’t think that a 5-year-old wants that tin of caviar.

That habit seems to perpetuate itself into adulthood. It’s easy to justify this or that, just because. Personally, I don’t spend much money on fancy shoes, manicures or makeup simply because the chickens really aren’t that impressed when I do.

My purchases tend toward the practical: farm implements, tools, boots and jeans. But, give me a seed catalog or show me some chickens or horse tack, and I could spend like crazy.

I try to follow my Grandma Renetta’s advice on two fronts. She used to say, “Where will you put it?” because she was a big believer of everything being in its place. Her other nugget of wisdom was, “If in doubt, don’t.”

Well, every now and then I splurge on something I don’t have a place for, or that I’m in doubt about, but that’s the exception, not the rule.

But there are some truly silly things that someone, somewhere, dreamed up just because they knew people will buy them just because they can. Take the $90 trash can, or the $200 strap-on chin firmer for example.

There are those miracle weight-loss pills, miracle hair regrowth products, or miracle anything for that matter. Pretty darn silly, when you think about it.

Lately, my friend Dawn mentioned that a certain soil company, that shall remain nameless, was selling preseeded garden kits. They include all kinds of seeds. Tomatoes, cucumbers, beans, lettuce, spinach, peppers and even herbs can all be yours for a measly $30.

Sounds terrific, doesn’t it? They’re all in these cute little peat pots with the soil and fertilizer all ready to plant. They’re even guaranteed to grow! Wow, can you imagine your good fortune? Additional kits are only $15 extra. You must rush out and buy one, or two, or five.

On company website, they have a lovely picture of a cross-section of one of these miraculous pots. It has one pea in it. ONE. For anyone who’s ever gardened, you know the only reason you’d plant one pea is if you simply wanted one meal of peas.

You’d also know that if you plant tomatoes, you want to start them early and harden them off before planting them in the garden.

You’d know that spinach prefers cooler weather if you don’t want it to bolt.

You’d probably also be aware that the usual practice is to plant multiple seeds and thin the seedlings.

You would most likely be aware that buying your own seeds, peat pots, fertilizer and soil would still be cheaper.

But hey! Here’s this garden all ready to grow! Yeah, right. I had to smack myself in the forehead to eliminate any residue of silliness that might have clung to me (well, outside the normal levels, that is). Then my eyes fell on something I think just might make me millions of dollars.

I’ll probably sell them on E-eBay at first, although Amazon might take to the idea. It’s the most wonderful invention in the history of mankind, barring the wheel and sliced bread. Folks, count yourselves lucky to get in at the introductory price of only $9.99 plus shipping. No household should be without one. I call it the De-Stupidifier.

It’s a custom-molded, precision-engineered amalgam of clay, sand and the purest Alpine water. It has been precisely heat tempered to achieve maximum effectiveness. Applied correctly, it’s guaranteed to save you money, cure baldness, improve your love life and give you muscles like Schwarzenegger. In addition, it works well as a paperweight or a projectile.

Application is simple. All you have to do, when you feel like buying something truly silly, is to grasp the brick (oops, I mean De-Stupidifier) firmly in one hand and bend your arm in a jerky movement in the direction of your head. You should make contact with your forehead. Repeated applications might be necessary depending on the level of silliness you find yourself facing.

Warning: Application of the De-Stupidifier to a second party will result in negative consequences. No returns or refunds.

Be the envy of your friends! Call to order yours now! For a limited time, with the purchase of one De-Stupidifier, we’ll throw in a FREE backscratcher. Yes, you heard that right. A genuine Kansas-raised length of tree limb. (If you’re nice, I won’t send the locust sticks.)

Stay smart, my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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