Touring the wasteland called radio


Click.

“And the Lord didst TELLEST Moses to geteth His people OUT of Egypt by speaking througheth a burning bush! So Moses DIDST propose the idea to the pharaoh, and he didst sayeth, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!” But the pharaoh did NOT care for what Moses or God had to say, and he DIDST sayeth to Moses….”

Click.

“…that all cars on our lot are now a whole 50 percent off! It’s like we’ve slashed our prices in half! Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How can they afford to do such a crazy thing?’ Well, let us just tell you that we are crazy here at Crazy John’s Used and Repossessed Car Dealership! How crazy are we? Well, if you compared a dachshund to a….”

Click.

“…Online Fundraiser! That’s right; we’re taking a huge chance by dropping our old ways of raising money for our station by not interrupting our programming to ask you, the important listener, for money. We are a public radio station, so that means that it is entirely up to you to keep us afloat. But now we’re jumping off the deep end and not interrupting our programming with cheesy announcements asking for your money by allowing you to pledge online. So as we try to raise funds, we will never….”

Click.

“…pause for station identification…”

Click.

“…because it looks like we’re going to be having a cold front moving in early tomorrow morning, so make sure you bundle up before you head out the door. You can trust me, because I’m the jovial radio station weather man and I’ve….”

Click.

“…Been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song. I put the words and the melodies together. I am music, And I write the….”

Click.

“…continuous play list of over two hours of nonstop music! But now we’re going to pause of a commercial break before we begin our next long stretch of huge…”

Click.

“…locusts. And the locusts DIDST crunch when the Israelites steppethed on them. But they WERE not afraid. For even as the water didst TURNETH to a DEEP CRIMSON color, they kneweth that the Lord their GOD was with them. And they WERE not afraid. And even as their bodies became covered in BOILS and puss didst OOZETH from their bodies and frogs jumpethed through the streets in HOARDS, they trusted in the Lord. Because they DIDST have faith, for they remembered when Moses took his cane and threw it on the ground, and God turned that ordinary CANE into a….”

Click.

“…great deal! We’re so nuts, we’re slashing our prices even lower! Heck, we’ll give you money to come get our cars. That’s how crazy we are here at Crazy John’s Used and Repossessed Car Dealership. But wait, we just got another wild idea! We’ll give you two cars. No, we’ll give the whole lot! And our first born. Because we want you to drive off our lot with a feeling of….”

Click.

“…generosity. We want to continue airing shows with two guys who talk about cars with accents and bad jokes, but you, the valued listener, must support us. We want to keep playing shows sponsored by fictional Powder Milk Biscuits. But we’re not going to interrupt our programming for this fundraiser. No, we’re not going to cut in at all. Because we want you, the valued listener, to have the convenience to go right to our Web site and….”

Click.

“…This is just a test warning. In the event of an emergency, stay tuned and we will bring you….”

Click.

“…Sunshine! Lots and lots of sunshine, folks! And the temperatures are sure to be in the upper 60s! Forget the forecast of a cold front for tomorrow. I just up and changed my mind that tomorrow’s weather is going to be….”

Click.

“…the songs that make the whole world sing. I write the songs of love and special things. I write the songs that make the young girls cry. I write the….”

Click.

So much for any good music. Maybe I’ll just hum a little. “(Under my breath) Her name was Lola, she was a show girl. With yellow feathers in her hair….”

* * *

UFO: Radio announcer Harry von Zell once referred to President Hoover on a live broadcast as “Hoobert Heever.”

Don’t ask why.


Leave a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.