NORTH POLE?With only a week left before its biggest day of the year, pole-iticians at the world?s Christmas capital remain divided on a controversial issue that could result in a partial holiday freeze-out.
And Santa Claus is saying they?d better watch out.
?We?re working around the Christmas tree to avoid the freeze-out,? said Don Wenou, Claus?s press representative. ?But if a resolution isn?t reached the week before New Year, thanks to getting into the drafted bill, we?ll have got upsot.?
The issue that?s put a wrinkle in the North Pole?s wrapping paper is the proposal to introduce a new, automated option for gift delivery the night before Christmas: Instead of Claus personally flying to every home, a fleet of drones?unelffed aerial vehicles?would offer alternative distribution.
?A flock of highly maneuverable robots dropping gifts from the sky: We?re calling it Operation Blitzenkrieg,? said Marion Brite, an author of the proposal. ?We?re confident it will dramatically increase the old delivery system that was slowed by the reindeers? pause up on the housetop.
?There will be drones for Christmas. You can count on me.?
But the idea hasn?t exactly flown like the down of the thistle.
?It?s barbaric; this isn?t the Amazon,? said Inna Pierre-Chee, an opponent of the bill. ?Structure the description any way you want. It makes delivering a present tense.?
Claus?s Christmas party has appeared to offer some compromise on the issue, however, stating that beneficiaries have the option to choose which method of delivery they would prefer at their residence.
?If you like your gift-delivery plan, you can keep it,? Claus said earlier this year.
It?s a promise that now has Claus caught in the crook of a candy cane. An investigation last week by the North Pole newspaper ?Hark! The Angel Herald? suggests this statement is phony as an aluminum Christmas tree.
?Gift receivers may opt out of Claus?s automated system,? the report states, ?but as a consequence they will be severely limited on which presents they are eligible to receive. Essentially, Claus will dash away all other options.?
Discussion over the issue in the Gingerbread House of Representatives has gotten sticky as gumdrops began melting from the heated arguments.
Elves against the drones have threatened to take their toys and go home.
In a recent example, to prevent a vote that would have approved the drones, representative Phil A. Buster remained at the microphone for nearly 13 hours to recite the entire ?12 Days of Christmas,? imitating voices from the Muppets? 1979 recording.
?Buster?s just a puppet for the opposition,? said Pole representative Holly Annie Ivy. ?He doesn?t have any real power.?
Regardless of opinion, members of the Gingerbread House know they must come to an agreement by the weekend to avoid the partial holiday freeze-out.
Though the holiday would not be canceled entirely, the North Pole would enact strict limitations on jolliness over the Christmas week, including:
? Bruce Springsteen?s live recording of ?Santa Claus is Coming to Town? will only be allowed to play on the radio twice per day, down 96 percent from its normal rotation;
? Mall Santas will be replaced by life-sized cardboard cutouts of either Justin Bieber or the Tin Man wearing Santa hats;
? Candy canes will be produced without red stripes;
? ABC Family?s ?25 Days of Christmas? programing will be reduced to ?Three and a Half Hours of Christmas;?
? And neighborhood carolers will be arrested on sight, among other restrictions.
Though the deadline is looming, pole-itical pundits speculate that an agreement may be closer than it seems.
?The Vehicle Readying Office of Maintenance (VROOM) has been servicing the old sleigh throughout the conflict,? said Sylvester Belles. ?I think we?ll see Claus delivering gifts the traditional way again this year.
After all, using the chimney just soots him.?