Next big issue: Thanksgiving dinner

I think it is safe to say that we can now all move on to worrying about other things now that we are (mostly) done with all of this political?pardon my French? dunette sur un baton.

And among those ?other things? is Thanksgiving.As you are no doubt aware, Thanksgiv?ing is only a couple of weeks away, so it?s time to start preparing a delectable, attractive and, most importantly, over-the-top traditional Thanksgiving dinner that you will serve to your family, friends and, a few days later, dog.

If you ever attended first grade during November, you already know how important the Thanksgiving holiday is to our nation.

The pilgrims, having landed at Plymouth Rock after a two-hour flight delay at the London Heathrow Airport, arrived in North America very underprepared.

A local Native American named Squanto took note of this and taught the Pilgrims how to bake a huge meal consisting of a large turkey (20 to 25 pounds), sweet potatoes with baked marshmallows, stuffing (which was originally created from a recipe including damp sawdust), creamed corn, green-bean casserole, a strange substance called ?beets? (the Pilgrims took an instant disliking to this) and pumpkin pi (serves 3.14).

Squanto taught them all of this because he knew the Pilgrims would need all of this nourishment so they would have the strength to brave the Day After Thanksgiving sales that were early the next morning.

Since then, Thanksgiving has become an integral part of our society, and by ?integral? I mean ?another reason to eat until one feels sick.?

That is I why I would like to take this opportunity to share my food expertise with you. I do regard myself as an expert, and my specialty is frozen pizzas.

I consider myself very knowledgeable in the gastronomic areas because I have done exactly what many other top culinary experts have done: I went to Europe.

Europe is a continent that is blessed with a smorgasbord (literally, ?a whole bunch ?) of different types of food, some of it good.

I had the opportunity to submerge myself in European cuisine last summer when I spent about a week touring five European countries and eating whatever they put in front of me.

My first experience with food in Europe was in Paris, France, a city noted for its high-quality of food.

Please do not be jealous of the great culinary expertise that received just from my first meal in Paris. It opened my eyes to the unending possibilities that subtle flavors and delicate textures give to food.

OK, so I went to a Pizza Hut.

But for the record, this Parisian Pizza Hut was different than any other I have been to.

For one, all of the diners were dressed very nicely and were sipping wine.

My girlfriend, Shelby, and I, on the other hand, were dressed in the same clothes we had just worn on the 10-hour plane ride and were wondering if the foggy water in the pitcher in front of us was safe the drink.

The other major difference was that the pizza did actually taste different. The pepperoni was definitely an imposter, but the cheese had a very rich flavor.

During the rest of the trip, my palette was introduced to many other European flavors. The most notable of these were in Munich, Germany, where I ate at an Italian restaurant. Some?thing just feels wrong about eating lasagna in Germany.

However, this oddity was corrected the following night when I ate at an authentic German brewery. The meal consisted of?if I remember correctly?a lump of some sort of stiff meat with some sort of brown sauce.

But given that this was a brewery, most of the other diners didn?t seem to care, if you catch my drift.

Having learned what I did in Europe, I thought it was only right that I would come back and share my culinary knowledge with you so that you may prepare an amazing Thanksgiving dinner this year.

In this spirit, I will share a delicious European recipe that will delight all who sit at your Thanksgiving table this fall.

Un p?t? en cro?te surgel?

qui a ?t? r?chauff?

Step 1: Drive to store.

Step 2: Buy Red Baron frozen pizza.

Step 3: Return home and preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

Step 4: Remove Red Baron frozen pizza from package and place on metal tray.

Step 5: Cook pizza and serve, accompanied by a certain German beverage that will cause your guests to not care.

* * *

UFO: A mature turkey has an average of 3,500 feathers. This is considerably more than a Red Baron frozen pizza.

Don?t ask why.

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