Thank you for reading the column of David Vogel. Unfortun?ately, David is unavailable due finals week, and is at the moment tracing the evolution of the persona of a hero in the American western film genre and memorizing a German aria. Simultaneously.
While you are on hold, please enjoy this Classic Don?t Ask Why column from February 2009.
It was unclear whether the recent recall of peanut products caused Planters spokesperson Mr. Peanut to crack.
When the recall began?which was in response to salmonella poisoning?the Planters company stated that Mr. Peanut had been acting a little squirrelly.
Late last week, video surveillance caught Mr. Peanut entering a local bank in his usual attire of a top hat and monocle.
He a-salted the teller and told her to, ?Give me all the cashew have,? and also exclaimed, ?It?s Payday!?
?I was shell-shocked,? the teller said.
After the attack, police arrested Mr. Peanut and confined him to a small shell in the nut house.
The press release issued by Planters put their position on the situation in a nutshell: ?We are surprised at the shellfish behavior Mr. Peanut demonstrated. He is usually a very complimentary nut.?
Mr. Peanut is married to Hazelnut. They have a Baby Ruth, who is the couple?s Almond Joy. They also have two developing pods.
Mr. Peanut graduated from the Macadamia.
?I?m proud of my husband, no matter what,? Hazelnut said about the arrest. ?I?ll always be there for him in a Jif.?
But do you recall the most famous peanut of all?
?For such a well-grounded nut, his actions really split the public?s opinion of him,? Mr. Peanut?s lawyer said. ?My aim is to restore his public identity and prove that this situation was only caused by the stress of the recall.
?I would like to get him away from the peanut gallery.?
Yesterday?s court trial sought to see what made this peanut brittle.
?I can?t deny that he is a loveable character,? the judge said. ?But his actions were very seedy. He got himself mixed up in quite a jam.?
After only a few minutes of the court in session, the judge called a short Reece?s so he could take a break and more closely examine the case.
The court legumed shortly.
Mr. Peanut hired several witnesses to vouch for his character in the trial.
George Washington Carver was the first to enter the stand, and gave the jury 325 reasons why Mr. Peanut should be cleared of the charges.
?I wish that they would pecan some other nut,? Carver stated.
Peter Pan was Mr. Peanut?s second witness.
?This man has spread himself so thin that it?s got to be hard to stick with it,? Pan said. ?He got sandwiched in a tough spot, but Mr. Peanut is no goober.?
After his witnesses testified, the judge roasted Mr. Peanut, trying to find the root of the evil.
?None of us is feeling very Skippy about this situation,? the judge said before releasing the jury to deliberate. ?I cannot wait to get this case off of my chestnut.?
While the jury was out, CNN commentator Nancy Grace Snickered, ?For a family man and a nationally known spokesperson, this peanut butter start making the right decisions. He needs to watch his peas and Qs.?
However, the jury seemed to be more forgiving.
?Mr. Peanut may have had a bad reaction, but it?s nothing to sneeze at,? the jury stated. ?We find him innocent. After all, Mr. Peanut is no Smucker.?