Mall malady meddles many men


Infected males cannot pass the infection on to other males, but all females are potentially strong carriers of the illness, said Harvard Medical School’s Professor R. . Syck.

According to Syck, Male Pattern Mallness can be contracted when a man goes to a shopping mall with his wife or girlfriend.

“The man will feel pretty good for a while,” said Syck, “but sooner or later the woman will see some sort of clothing store that she absolutely must go into.”

That’s where the trouble begins.

According to the study, not all clothing stores have the right environment for a female to transmit Male Pattern Mallness to her other half. Shopping mall stores similar to Dillard’s, Old Navy or The Buckle are not hazardous, as the stores offer merchandise other than women’s clothing.

However, stores like Maurices, Vanity and the infamous Victoria’s Secret are all breeding grounds for the germs that can lead to Male Pattern Mallness.

Although a quick look at just a few items will not infect a male, females generally do not only look at one or two pieces of clothing.

Syck said that during the study, his team of researchers were able to identify hundreds of males who reported this same action in their significant other, and, as a result, contracted Male Pattern Mallness.

“She said she just wanted to look at one shirt,” said one recently infected male. “But we took at least three laps through store—looking at the exact same clothing items each circuit—before we finally left. I didn’t think I’d make it.”

Syck said this familiar pattern in females is all too uncommon, and that more men are getting trapped into it than any one of them would like to admit.

The sad thing is, most men know they will be drug through the trendy female clothing stores even before they walk through the mall’s main entrance. These are the men that have been infected on previous occasions, but refuse to admit they have a problem.

Symptoms of this more serious malady of Male Pattern Mallness are obvious. These men will arrive intentionally dressed in a manner that exhibits their attempt to fit in with the “chic-ness” of the stores they know they ultimately will end up going into.

This kind of dress includes colorful T-shirts with vintage or collage-like printing on them and tight, roughly used denim jeans.

In the extreme cases, the suffering men may even being wearing a pink polo shirt or plaid shorts.

Besides these extreme symptoms, there are other observable signs of the disease.

A male following his wife or girlfriend around the store with his hands in his pockets and eyes on the floor—as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself in this kind of environment—is an obvious indication of the illness.

Oftentimes he will have unusually large sweat stains in his underarms due to how uncomfortable he is in this condition.

Syck said the best cure for Male Pattern Mallness is to avoid dangerous places altogether.

“If you see your wife or girlfriend heading for a potential danger zone,” he said, “attempt to break loose and get to a sporting goods store or the food court as quickly as possible.”

However, sometimes men cannot help penetrating the store’s entrance no matter how hard they try.

Syck said researchers found that the simplest solution for getting out of the store is to locate an item of clothing that is at least $15 higher than what the female would normally pay, grab one off the rack in her size and think of a lame excuse to buy it for her, refusing any coupons she might have brought along.

“It doesn’t always work,” Syck said, “but we’ve found that it often improves the situation.”

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UFO: During the California Gold Rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the high costs in California during those years, it was deemed more feasible to send the shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

Don’t ask why.


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