In pursuit of my own Nobel Prize

I want a Nobel prize.

No, seriously, I think I deserve one. After all, if Al Gore gets one, I think we should all be entitled to the honor.

Not that I have anything personal against Albert. But honestly, I don?t think he?s done anything terribly significant?unless you count making a fairly large sum of money from his best-selling book, ?An Inconvenient Truth,? and managing to snag an Oscar award for the movie made from said book, starring, of all people, Al Gore.

For the sake of being fair, I should probably mention he was only awarded half of the prize, according to the Nobel Prize Web site. The other half went to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.

The IPCC is located in Geneva, Switzerland, which isn?t actually pertinent to this column, except that I think it?s fun to say Geneva, Switzerland. Here, say it with me: Geneva, Switzerland, Geneva, Switzerland, Geneva, Switzerland.

I?m not exactly sure how they award someone half of a Nobel Prize. Perhaps they take the medallion and saw it in half. Or maybe the Nobel Prize Committee devises a system in which the IPCC in Geneva, Switzerland, gets the prize on weekdays, and Al gets it on weekends and holidays.

Either way, I think having to share a Nobel Prize would sort of take the fun out of having one.

However, I still want one. Even if I have to share it.

I checked the Nobel Prize Web site to see what qualified Al Gore and friends for the prize, and it said they won it ?for their efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change.?

In case you fell asleep for the past few years, let me explain, in layman terms, what Al Gore and his friends in Geneva, Switzer?land, have been doing: Basically, they decided that the earth is heating up, so they figured they would scare the living daylights out of people by telling us that it?s technically our fault, because we drive cars and stuff.

They also say if we don?t stop soon, one of these days the earth will just hit her boiling point and sort of, I don?t know, go ?poof,? like a popcorn kernel after being heated, and that will be the end of it.

Al Gore felt that if along the way he had to sacrifice himself by writing an incredibly popular book that made him lots of money, then, well, that was a risk he would be willing to take.

At least, that?s how I understand the situation. I haven?t technically read ?An Inconvenient Truth,? but I did watch Al Gore speak on the ?Ellen DeGeneres Show? one time.

So out of this whole event, this is what I have decided: All you have to do to win is warn a bunch of people about something that you think is bad, and you will automatically be qualified to win a Nobel Prize.

This is why I think I deserve a Nobel Prize. I have been cautioning people for years about the cafeteria chicken at school.

One of these days, I?m expecting an envelope from Oslo, Norway, which is also a fun location to say several times, with my Nobel Prize medallion in it.

And on the Nobel Prize Web site, it will say I was awarded the prize ?for his efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about the quality of cafeteria chicken, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such chicken.?

So here?s what I say we do: We all send a letter to the Nobel Prize Committee, describing why we deserve a prize. I bet envelopes from Oslo, Norway, Oslo, Norway, Oslo, Norway, will be pouring into the USA by the bucketful.

Here, I?ll even give you an outline. All you have to do is fill in the blanks with your information:

?Dear Nobel Prize Committee members,

?I recently heard about Al Gore receiving a Nobel Prize for his work with warning others about bad things, and I felt that I, too, qualify for such an honor. For (enter the amount of time) I have been warning my friends and other random people on the street about the threat of (enter threat), and I feel that my efforts to build up and disseminate a greater knowledge about (enter threat) is more than enough reason for me to be awarded a Nobel Prize.

?Furthermore, I feel that winning such an award would help to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract (enter threat). Enclosed I have included the amount of money that will be needed to ship my medallion to me.

?Thank you for your time, and have a nice day.?

I?ll let you know when I get my Nobel Prize, so you can know when to expect yours.

* * *

UFO: Al Gore is an unofficial adviser to Google?s senior management.

Don?t ask why.

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