If I were to be elected to something

With the Aug. 5 primary elections approaching quickly, I finally decided it was about time to toss my hat into the ring. I?m not running for anything in particular, but I would appreciate your vote. Just feel free to write my name in under any of the categories.

But I figured that as long as I?m running for something, I should probably explain my views on the issues. I have divided my thoughts into three categories: local, state and international.

Local

n If elected to whatever, I would straighten out this county jail issue. The proposed Marion County Jail is a hot news item right now, and I?m sure that you?ll all agree with me when I say that a 1 percent sales tax increase to fund that dang thing would be a suicidal move for the commerce of our county in due (get it?) time.

The 7.3 percent tax is already taking its toll (rimshot), and bumping it up another notch will really tax (OK, I?m done) the county?s economy.

However, there is no doubt that the county?s Current Retaining and Punishing (CRAP) facilities are in poor shape, as reported in an article in last week?s edition of the Hillsboro Free Press, which described the sewage leak in the prison.

So here?s my proposal: scrap the old jail, scrap the new jail, and have people in the county sign up to house one or two prisoners. This method worked for the 14-year-old baseball tournament in Hillsboro last weekend.

n If elected for whatever, I would work to make sure that every city street is paved with either cement or reinforced steel, whichever lasts longer. Maybe both.

I bring this up because Hillsboro recently had its quasi-annual street resurfacing, and the gravel has finally worn off the roads and is now clogging gutters and the intersection dip at the end of the street.

For the benefit of former Councilor Len Coryea, who tends to bug me about writing things like this, I am not specifically blaming the city of Hillsboro, but I?m tired of peeling out of my street, sending debris flying into the air from my spinning tires.

n And speaking of spinning tires throwing debris, I had an epiphany after I got whacked in the temple by a piece of dense mud at the demolition derby last weekend. I noticed that a car had an advertisement for an officer running for sheriff.

If elected to whatever, I would work to create a mandate that if someone is buying campaign ad space on a demo derby car for an upcoming election, they must make the ad for one of their opponents. If the ad is just going to get smashed up and pelted with mud, it makes more sense for it to have the other person?s name on it.

This would add a whole new meaning to ?slinging mud? at one?s opponent.

State

n If elected to whatever, I would work to solve our state?s energy issues. The prospect of coal mining has been popping up lately. I think it?s a good idea.

I propose that we send miners not into the ground, but into teenagers? rooms, which have so many layers of clothing and other assorted junk layered on the floor that somewhere under there is enough pressure to produce coal.

Not only is this safer for the miners, but it would also help to clean up a few messy rooms. I volunteer mine.

n If elected to whatever, I would work to improve our state?s altitude. Kansas is relatively flat and boring compared to our Colorado neighbor. To help our economy, I would work to create some extreme altitude changes in the state that would bring in more tourism.

Currently, I am looking at quotes from various contractors on how much it would cost to transfer Pikes Peak, Mount Rushmore or the Grand Canyon into Kansas.

International

n If elected to whatever, I would work to guarantee our nation?s privacy, but also help the government in receiving the vital information necessary for our security.

George ?Walker Texas President? Bush has been under fire the last few years for invasion of privacy, such as wire-tapping. I have come up with the idea for a new government agency: the FBO Department.

The FBO (Facebook Official) Department would monitor the social networking Web site Facebook, since practically everybody has an account now. People post EVERYTHING that is going on in their lives on it, which leads to the philosophy that nothing is true until it is ?Facebook Official.?

Facebook is, as far as I can tell, a sort of public domain. Therefore, governmental tapping could not necessarily be deemed invasion of privacy. And if terrorists are planning the next attack, we?d be able to nip it in the bud.

n If elected to whatever, I would work to create a justification of the existence of Q-tips. I had always been under the impression that Q-tips, or other brands of cotton swabs, were designed to clean out the inside of ears, but I recently read on the box that I?m not supposed to insert them into my ear canal.

This means that, not only is the product not good for anything, but the company is also admitting it.

* * *

These are my views on a few of the issues. If you have questions, don?t hesitate to contact me. I also have promotional campaigning items (?Vote David Vogel for Whatever in 2008?) available if you?d like some.

If elected, I would strive hard to find the best possible solution for anything that might come up, and I would do whatever I could for the benefit of the people.

This is a lot more than what you can say for this column.

* * *

UFO: The first product Motorola developed was a record player for automobiles. At that time the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Don?t ask why.

Editor?s note: Believe it or not, David Vogel has produced another book of 82 of his favorite columns. This one is titled ?Getting to the Bottom of This? and can be purchased for $12 at the Free Press office.

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