Food should not be staring at you

If there?s one thing I very strongly believe in, it is that food should not be recognizable. By this I mean if any body parts such as eyeballs are still present or if it still displays the basic animal shape, it is probably meant as a joke and should not be edible.

This is why I went to Red Lobster last week and ordered a steak.

Red Lobster has based its entire franchise off of this prank, and has subsequently become quite successful.

My girlfriend, Shelby, unfortunately, likes Red Lobster. This is why I was there last week.

It?s not that I have anything against seafood. I?m sure it tastes just fine.

But I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with eating something that still looks like it did when it was pulled out of the water.

This is why I have no personal vendetta against sushi; it?s pretty. It may not taste so good, and it may have a really disgusting texture. But it looks nice, and that?s why I didn?t feel guilty when I ate a piece of raw flounder (or some other ?Little Mermaid? character) a couple years ago.

Red Lobster, however, doesn?t offer sushi. Red Lobster offers animals that have been pulled right out of the ocean and then dumped right into a boiling pot of water.

Shelby ordered The Ultimate Feast, which featured 100 percent recognizable creatures.

First were the crab legs.

I feel that if God had intended for us to eat crab legs, he would have put a lot more meat in them.

Red Lobster is making a killing (no pun intended) off of the crab legs because it not only contains very little actual food inside, but the customer ends up doing half of the work.

I was almost done with my steak by the time Shelby had finished cracking the shells and pulling out what little bit of stringy meat there was.

I also don?t like the crab legs because they very strongly resemble crab legs. And they come complete with pinchers.

At one point, Shelby made one of them wave at me. I said, ?I?ll be there in a pinch.?

My humor always has been a little fishy.

Next in The Ultimate Feast lineup was the shrimp scampi. These are cute, pink creatures that appear to have been dropped directly into a dish of melted butter and garlic.

Shrimp is one of the few fish that I will eat, but only if it?s breaded and fried. This is because they squash the shrimp so that it is wider and thinner, and a lot less shrimp-like.

Shelby?s shrimp scampi, however, was still in shrimp form.

The final portion of Shelby?s order was the ?Maine attraction,? a split lobster tail.

I?m sorry, but lobsters were definitely not designed for human consumption. They instead appear to be an experimental accident between radiation and cockroaches.

Red Lobster restaurants have an aquarium by the front doors that contain live lobster. I assume this is so that customers can pick the exact lobster they want to eat.

It made me feel sick.

As I stated earlier, I don?t mind fried shrimp. Red Lobster?s menu features ?Walt?s Favorite Shrimp,? which I ordered to go along with my steak.

Fried shrimp is basically the wuss? (i.e. ?my?) way of eating seafood. But by using the name Walt?which I assume to be a very fisherman-friendly name?the restaurant makes me feel like I am a big boy with a big boy meal.

I also don?t mind fish sticks, on the premise that the name contains the word ?fish,? but contains no actual traces that would identify it as such. Fish sticks come in bulk, and are cut out in cookie-cutter rectangles.

The high school cafeteria used this same concept for many of its entrees.

The chicken fried steak, for example, always had a uniform, amoeba-like shape.

There was also the day when the menu stated that we were going to be served chicken drumsticks. Instead, we got little chicken nuggets that were cut out in the shape of teeny drumsticks.

And on the Alaskan fish days we got triangle-shaped patties of white meat that tasted vaguely of lake water.

But at least there were no pinchers.

* * *

UFO: Most lipstick contains fish scales. Now there?s some food for thought.

Don?t ask why.

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