College move looms on the horizon

I recently became aware that summer was coming to a close much quicker than I had anticipated. This reality struck when my mom suggested I should start deciding what kind of things I should take along to put in my dorm room when I leave for college this fall.

As far as I was concerned, I still had plenty of time to make this kind of decision. The last time I checked, my college classes didn?t start until September, which is much further away than sometime next week.

I don?t pack for anything in advance. For my trip to Europe last month, I packed my entire suitcase within three hours of leaving for the airport. (Of course, I?m kidding. It was something closer to two hours.)

All right, I admit it: I?m a procrastinator. I even spent a half hour on Google.com searching the phrase ?dorm room essentials? to avoid writing this column.

I honestly have no desire to start packing for college. In fact, I haven?t even started unpacking from graduation.

I?m not kidding.

Piled outside of my bedroom door are two large boxes that contain mass quantities of graduation-related memorabilia. This includes decorations and David Vogel Historical Relics from my display table at the reception, cards, gifts, my cap and gown and, yes, my diploma is even buried in there somewhere.

(Actually, I?m lucky to have it at all. I was so excited to be done with high school that I left it setting on a table in the cafeteria after the ceremony.)

These things have been sitting there, collecting dust, for the better part of two months, and now my mom is suggesting that I start packing for college. It?s surprising, considering I haven?t even taken care of the last of my high school stuff.

I?d like to attribute this laziness to a genuine fear of change?a subconscious psychological deviation attempting to separate myself from the inevitable change that will change my life forever.

It?s not that I?m saying that this first-year-of-college-and-living-in-a-dorm-room-away-from-home thing isn?t scaring me, but it?s something I know I can deal with. (In fact, I am already acclimating myself to dorm-life by writing this at about 1:45 a.m.)

The real reason I refuse to pack for college, after careful self-evaluation, is that I?m not sure I actually have anything that?s worth taking along.

I?ve been sitting here in my room, looking around and trying to figure out if any of this stuff will actually be worth packing. I don?t really have anything here that I can take without looking like an absolutely dork.

This reminds me of the children?s animated movie series, ?The Brave Little Toaster,? in which one installment was about when the kid goes to college and takes?of all things?his toaster.

Maybe I?m a real jerk, but if I roomed with this kid, he would never hear the end of my sentimental-toaster jokes.

In a similar light, I?m not sure I.m attached to anything that rates much higher than a toaster.

For example, there?s my collection of several hundred Beanie Babies, including a 4-foot chimpanzee named Schweet?heart, that dates back to the mid-1990s. I also have a lot of books.

Books are a college must-have, but my literary collection consists mostly of books by Dave Barry with titles such as ?Dave Barry Slept Here,? ?Dave Barry in Cyberspace? and ?Dave Barry?s Money Secrets.?

I guess I could call these books educational, but I don?t think I could use them for my studies.

For example, ?Dave Barry Slept Here? is a history book that begins: ??We the people.? These are the words that begin the Declaration of Indepen?dence. Or maybe we are thinking of the Gettysburg Address. No matter. The point is?.?

I would like to see the grade I would receive after citing that book as a resource in a research paper.

?Dave Barry?s Money Secrets? poses the question, ?Why is there a giant eyeball on the dollar?? and ?Dave Barry in Cyberspace,? is allegedly a computer manual, except it discuses Windows 95 in present tense and describes the motherboard as?if I remember correctly?a Chiclet.

Speaking of technology, my computer is another thing that will not be gracing my dorm room.

I?ve had this computer (the one I?m currently typing on) for around six years, and it wasn?t exactly new when I bought it. By now, the memory is so clogged that it would be better time-management if I wrote a message on the monitor with a Sharpie and carried it to a friend?s house than to wait for the computer to start so I could send an e-mail. (You may think that I?m exaggerating, but I make it a point to hit the power button right when I get out of bed in the morning so things will be running smoothly by lunch.)

Among the other things in my room that definitely do not deserve space in my dorm room are a bowling pin with ?Gutter?ball King? printed on it, a lamp that doesn?t work with five light bulbs that are each on a 2-foot, bendy metal arm, a Happy Birthday balloon I got for my 16th birthday, the incredibly used trombone I got in sixth-grade band and my collection of Old Spice aftershave bottles, still in original boxes, that I get for Christmas every year despite the fact I never use them.

In fact, the more I think about it, I?m not even sure I?m going to take me to my dorm room next year.

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UFO: Birds have the right of way on all Utah highways.

Don?t ask why.