Cat cites silly Human tricks

This is Simba Vogel. Maybe you know my Human. He?s the round-headed guy who likes to antagonize his single reader from Minnesota by making fun of that state.

Anyway, my Human can?t come to the computer today because he?s off somewhere doing things that stress me out. So I guess I?m in charge of his column this week. Just think of me as The Muse that Mews.

I?m stressed out because two weeks ago my Human and his Missus put all of my stuff in brown boxes that smelled funny and took them out of my house. At one point I got stuck in a box and my Human couldn?t find me.

So after that, when they packed they locked me in the back room with the two white bins that growl when the Missus puts all their clothes in them.

One day when they finally let me out I found my house completely empty. So I bit them.

That?s when they picked me up and took me to the Big House.

I don?t like the Big House. It has lots of rooms with closed doors that I can?t get into and the floors creak, which makes my back look like an upside U. Not to mention I hardly get any attention anymore.

That?s because my Human and his Missus spend all of their free time petting the Big House. But they pet it different than when they pet me.

It?s quite the ordeal actually. They pick a room and then put sheets on the floor and outline everything with blue sticky paper. After that they pour colored water that tastes yucky into pans and pet the walls with giant brushes. Then when they?re done the room is a different color and I?m not allowed to go in.

I think that?s because I tried to pet the wall, too, and I got the colored water on my ear and it didn?t come off for a long time. My Human and his Missus thought that was funny. So I bit them.

So I haven?t been getting much love. In fact, yesterday I ran out of food. My dish was completely empty and my Human didn?t even notice. I guess I can?t has cheezburger.

But I should mention that all of my stuff is here. By now my Human has gotten most of the brown boxes emptied and put my stuff back out. I like the familiar smells. But there?s new stuff, too.

The other day, two sweaty guys from Sneers Compli?ances showed up with two new white growlers, plus a black picture box that glows when it gets hot and one of those cold towers that smokes when the doors open.

I didn?t really like the sweaty guys?I wanted to bite them, but hid under the sofa instead?but the cold tower sometime spits out pieces of ice that I can chase around the floor.

I guess the Big House isn?t all bad. I?m getting used to its smells and creaks. My Human says it could be worse: He says that in Minnesota they have to mark the fire hydrants with tall red sticks so that the dogs can find them under all the snow in the wintertime.

At least we didn?t move there.

Written By
More from David Vogel
Jury duty was a life-altering event
This was supposed to be a funny column lampooning the legal system....
Read More