Beware the virus Stultus Politica


Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., have confirmed the quadrennial outbreak of the American-originated virus Stultus Politica.

The epidemic is more commonly known as the presidential election.

Health specialists were tipped off to the communicative infection two weeks ago when Jim Lehrer, previously believed by experts to be extinct, emerged from a dark PBS studio just long enough to escalate the virus’s intensity.

Doctors are warning patients that this disease may be easily contracted through general social interaction, a carelessly operated television set or an open internet connection.

Though common, the virus is considered to be very dangerous to a person’s general health, and those who worry they may have been exposed are to watch for these three common symptoms:

• Contention obsession. This symptom is characterized by a person’s inability or unwillingness to function anywhere except in front of a television during a time of televised presidential debate.

This reaction to the virus is considered to be psychological in source.

During such episodes, the patient will gratuitously roll his or her eyes, exhibit redness in the face and an increased heart rate, and will invariably shout snide comments or obscenities at one of the candidates and, in some extreme cases, the moderator.

A patient suffering from an advanced stage of the virus will also spend several hours after the debate watching, commenting on and raving about the inane commentators analyzing the candidates’ performances.

• Perceived Social Supremacy. Persons who have contracted the virus will exhibit traits of moral superiority.

Signs to watch for include an inability to tolerate any person who may differ slightly in opinion of government, democracy and American flag pin size, overt attempts to convince others of their unqualification to hold an adverse thesis and, finally, a tendency to watch exclusively Fox or MSNBC, depending on party affiliation.

• Social Media Sermonizing. This symptom has become more prevalent in the last two election seasons as a result of common online communication.

Patients suffering from the disease will plaster their Face­book wall or similar medias with opinions, rants, mockings, critiques, caricatures, preachings and slurs directed against the opposing politician and his or her political party.

Often these postings will be of a personal, extreme nature, and will occur at least once daily in the weeks preceding the election.

This is considered to be the most severe symptom of the virus, as it openly invites patients of opposite affiliation to react violently in a verbal nature. Those who have not yet contracted the disease are advised to “unfriend” associates who have, so as to not put themselves in harm’s way.

Readers who find that they are suffering from one or more of these signs of infection should take action immediately in the form of, to quote medical specialists, “getting a life.”

If not taken care of upon swift diagnosis, patients will suffer with the chronic remnants of hopelessness in humanity, permanent loss of friends, insanity and a foaming around the mouth during presidential addresses.

Experts believe the contagiousness of the virus will begin to dissipate shortly after Nov. 6. However, it is likely to become a threat again in the fall of 2016.

To ask why, you can e-mail the writer at david@hillsborofreepress.com.


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