Category: Don’t Ask Why

Billy Joel abetted first traffic ticket

I believe it was poet Emily Dickinson who wrote, ?Because I did not slow down for the law, he kindly slowed down for me.? Then again, I could just be stretching for an interesting quote to start this column about speeding tickets. In all my seven and a half years of operating a motor vehicle I?ve never committed a serious […]

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BP beyond ?White Coat Syndrome?

It all started last October. I was at the doctor?s office with a stiff neck. Having self-diagnosed it as a severe case of meningitis, all I needed was the doctor?s signature so I could get some medicine and perhaps reacquaint myself with my toes, whom I had been unable to see all week. It had been months since my last […]

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Will we run out of new music?

Every couple of months I have a night where I lay awake with this anxiety that someday we?re going to run out of new music to write. Not you and me, personally. But the population in general. If you stop to think about it?and I do, which is why I can?t sleep?there is a very finite number of pitch, rhythm […]

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Some TP ads given a bum wrap

Lately I?ve become increasingly alarmed by the explicitness of TV commercials for toilet paper. For example, the other day I Old-Faithfulled the soda I was drinking when this ad played: ?This is one way to keep your underwear clean. This is another: Ta-da!? That?s a recent plug for Charmin, the TP brand that uses animated bears to discuss bathroom tissue […]

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A recipe for country song success

You?ve probably heard the joke about what happens when you play a country song backwards: You get your truck back and your dog back and your girl back and your name gets erased out of the federal gun registry. It implies that country music is written and sung by a bunch of whiny, sensitive, backwoods boys who wear their hearts […]

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Free labor fueling Google?s growth

oogle owes me money. As you probably know, Google is the Internet search engine giant that is determined to stick its nose into every industry it possibly can. Maps, smartphones, calendars, social media, computers, apps, music, videos…. The list goes on. And while each of Google?s products and services are valuable?if not ubiquitous?there?s one project that I find particularly interesting: […]

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Living lives for all the world to see

All the world?s a stage. I think Shakespeare wrote that. Or Alan Alda. At any rate, the line is as true today as it was when Jaques said it in, ?As You Like It.? Or when Hawkeye put the toe tag on Frank. Whichever. The meaning of the phrase, however, has changed. We are not all ?merely players? as the […]

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Language rules continue to evolve

I?m a member of the National English Review and Direction Society, which is a national government-funded organization that monitors the condition and popular use of the English language and then adjusts the standards for its application accordingly. Basically, the organization is responsible for standardizing correct grammar, syntax and word use. Toward the beginning of each year NERDS issues an updated […]

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Apocalypse broadcast daily on TV

Humankind has been anxiously waiting for an apocalypse for about 26 zillion years now. But so far, despite some near misses?like a Russian fireball with the glass shattering capabilities of a 10,000-ton operatic soprano?we?ve apparently been disappointed. That?s because ?apocalypse? is popularly associated with drastic climate change or worldwide tectonic interference or giant space debris or an overpopulation of zombies. […]

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Let your humanities guide you

You know your humanities education is paying off when you choose your Super Bowl team based on the literary icon it brings to mind. We were on our way to a small party last Sunday: wife Hanna laden with little smokies, chili cheese tots, popcorn chicken and brownies, me with ?The Essential Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe? in […]

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