Don’t Ask Why

‘Welcome to the 6 o’clock drivel?’


Remote control: Click.

Announcer: Good evening. I?m your host, Frank Shoein, and you?re watching the 6 o?clock edition of the Daily First Alert Eye Witness Overly Dramatic News, the No. 1 ranked news program of both the National News Broadcasting Association and my mother.

Beware: Most ‘wonders’ really aren’t


Now that school is back in session, I?m becoming nostalgic for the freedom of summer again. This is a bad thing to have, especially this early into the school year. Being ready for another summer vacation is not a good mood to be in when there are still nine months left.

So in resistance, I have been reminding myself of various summer nightmares. Tourist traps, to be exact.

Men abide by this code of conduct


I admit that men are not always the most polite of genders. But when it comes down to the really important stuff, we generally have a basic understanding of what is appropriate and what is crossing the line.

There are exceptions to this rule, as was rudely brought to my attention last weekend while visiting Wichita to see the musical ?Hairspray.?

Summer foray into College Algebra doesn’t add up naturally


I recently scared myself by acting like someone who liked math.

I am a person who does not like math, and avoids it at all costs. I am a person who, given the choice between finding the square root of the hypotenuse or getting a root canal, would voluntarily drive myself to the dentist?s office and prep my own mouth for the procedure.

Irony is the key point to this story


Every once in a while, life throws one of its infamous ironies at you, and all you can do is sit down, put your head between your legs and inhale deeply.

You do this because you have become extremely nauseous from laughing so hard at the realization of this irony. I have a prime example of this.

A way to de-dramatize boy-girl splits


Far be it for me to consider myself an expert on the Human Condition, but it has come to my attention that there are certain events that will come to an inevitable end, usually involving varying degrees of drama and emotion.

Of course, I?m talking about high school relationships.

This topic came up recently when friend Becky and I were having one of our deep, human-nature-examining discussions that we have on a fairly regular basis.

The price of ‘survival’ is… ridiculous.


What it all comes down to, when you really analyze it from several different angles, is that it is pure human nature for an individual to do absolutely anything to survive. This is why I spent almost $15 for a sandwich and a bottle of pop. I?m not kidding. This is the perfect example why I should never be elected treasurer for a club, or carry my own wallet, for that matter.

Trip west was sulfur-ifically exciting


Over the last few years?OK, I?m just going to warn you right up front that this column has no real point?I?ve had several excursions during the summer vacations, all of which were pretty exciting. But my family?s mid-June expedition this year was by far the most exciting, as measured in extremely potent sulfur fumes.

This year, in protest to our previous far-east trips, my family opted to trek up in the general northwestern direction. Of course, we drove for those long distances east, so why not drive for this one?

Do the math: Birds are disappearing


Earlier today I was browsing Internet news articles in hopes that some sort of current event would be worth writing about, and picking lint out of my computer mouse.

I have to pick lint out of the mouse periodically because lately I have been getting sneezing fits in the morning, which causes the need for a Kleenex-like tissue, but because whoever is in charge of inventory at my house is too cheap, I have to use a roll of toilet paper, which sets off a fine powder every time I rip off another square.

Vertebrae theory accounts for it all


As my dad has said, there?s a fine line between genius and idiot, and I?m treading on it.

Not only is that the good attention-grabbing opening statement that I?ve heard so much about in English courses, but it also relates to the fact that I recently confirmed a personal medical issue that, until now, I hadn?t really worried about.

Let me tell you about it.

Within only days of school getting out, free athletic physicals were offered to students for next year?s athletic activities.

Let me clear something up right off the bat: I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be, an athlete. When people ask me what I play, I dryly answer ?the trombone,? and leave it at that.

But I got the physical anyway, because there is an off chance that next year, feeling bored from the onslaught of easy senior classes I enrolled in, I will decide to play ?Athlete? and get on a sports team.