Category: Don’t Ask Why

Nessie?s status is under review

There?s an old saying among scientists, and it goes like this: Never follow a schmuck who gets worked up about impertinent biological propaganda and then writes about it in the newspaper. I might have made that up, but after this column there probably will be a saying like that. Last week, as the AARP-card-wielding population mourned the passing of Shirley […]

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A love tale worthy of Lifetime

Since Valentine?s Day is nearly upon us?that?s right, me, start ordering those mylar balloons now, before you forget!?I can?t help but think back to my first foray into that crazy little thing. It?s a tale of love and loss. Of enchantment and betrayal. Of firsts and lasts. And it all happened in 1999. (If any Lifetime Original Movie executives happen […]

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Super Bowl yes, football no….

This may sound crazy, but none of us is completely sane. Somewhere deep inside our brains are a few straight jacket-wearing neurons that are perceiving reality at a slightly skewed angle. It?s different for each of us: a bad comb-over becomes a full head of hair, or a 15-minute jog becomes an immediate 5-pound loss, or a yield sign exists […]

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Wife key to this male?s survival

In his wildly popular blockbuster novel soon to be a movie in a theater near you ?On the Origin of Species,? Charles Darwin explains that the male gender of any species is much more likely to survive if he has a wife, because she will make sure he stays alive. Actually, I made that up. I have no idea what […]

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2013: Last, long, lingering look

Here we are, standing on the brink of what experts are anticipating to be a brand-new year. It?s a moment when, as we look to the future, it seems also appropriate to take one final glance back on the journey that brought us here. A journey of trials and victories, of skepticism and anticipation and of really big signs commemorating […]

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Pole-iticians pose a freeze-out

NORTH POLE?With only a week left before its biggest day of the year, pole-iticians at the world?s Christmas capital remain divided on a controversial issue that could result in a partial holiday freeze-out. And Santa Claus is saying they?d better watch out. ?We?re working around the Christmas tree to avoid the freeze-out,? said Don Wenou, Claus?s press representative. ?But if […]

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Self-promotion and some trivia

Now that we?re done with Black Friday, which actually started on Semi-Dark Thursday, though a lot of stores had deals going on A Dark Shade of Aqua Wednesday, with others already sneaking a sale in on Lightly Burnt Orange Tuesday, and most e-commerce sites advertising early-bird savings as early as Just Off-White But With a Hint of Yellow, But Not […]

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Fall exploding with fiery flame

I love fall. It?s ranked in my top-five favorite seasons, right up there with wintertime, springtime, summertime and suppertime. With fall comes the beginning of a lot of great things: crackling fires, hooded sweatshirts and the pumpkin spice latte, the viral disease of the yuppy beverage world. Fall also means the trees are exploding with fiery reds, oranges and yellows. […]

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Seek out near-life experiences

Two Fridays ago wife Hanna and I were driving on U.S. Highway 56, returning to Hillsboro from dinner in Marion. It was dusk, we were on the wide bend near the Canada/Hillsboro Cove intersection and a long string of headlights were coming at us from the other lane. That, and an untreated astigmatism in my left eye, prevented me from […]

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Big Foot search becomes local

It was around 3:30 on a September morning in a remote part of the county. Clumps of neglected hedgerows blotted out the inky horizon as the couple cruised down an abandoned dirt road, blasting country-western on the radio. They?d heard a ranch had acquired a champion Watusi longhorn, and?with nothing better to do at 3:30?wanted to glimpse the rare beast. […]

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