Category: Don’t Ask Why

What comes after the never-do list?

I think I?m supposed to die now. It would make sense, now that my life is complete.

I live with the understanding that we?re all put on this earth to accomplish a number of certain tasks, most of them probably not high on our lists, and then when we have completed these duties, we will kick the bucket.

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Miles to go and resolutions to keep

Marie Edgeworth said, ?The man who will not execute his resolutions when they are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterward; they will be dissipated, lost and perish in the hurry and scurry of the world, or sunk in the slough of indolence.?

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Become rich enough for gas and milk

I like this time of year, because it ensures that for the next 12 months or so, our national economy will somehow stay out of the red, and that we can continue to thrive as a successful and powerful nation.

And by thrive, I mean be able to afford gasoline and milk.

This is because it?s Christmastime, which means that millions of people for almost a month now have been going out and frivolously buying completely useless items to give as gifts for the holidays.

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Farmers still part of McD’s menu

Whether you?re aware of it or not, it has been nearly a year since
our local McDonald?s shut its doors. Although I?ve missed the
occasional stop for a hamburger, I can?t say that I felt something in
the universe just wasn?t right.

That is, until two Fridays ago.

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Lucky piranha head is losing power

My lucky piranha head is wearing out. I don?t claim to be superstitious, but I have reason to believe that the piranha head that is hanging from the rearview mirror in my car is beginning to lose its charm.

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Here’s one man’s rap on rap music

I?ve never been much of a fan of rap music. For some reason it?s never really appealed to me. I guess that?s because I?m not easily impressed by fast talking. Auctioneers can only be exciting for so long.

The same goes for rap music, in which people with extra large clothing and massive quantities of jewelry?which apparently is considered expensively masculine?speak incredibly quickly about dropping an item like it?s hot.

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Teeth lead a tough life of neglect

I find it amazing that our teeth don?t rebel more than they do. Think about it. Out of all of our body parts, teeth really did get the short end of the stick. They spend their entire lives inside our mouth, which is a disgusting, dark place full of saliva and left over food particles

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In pursuit of my own Nobel Prize

I want a Nobel prize.

No, seriously, I think I deserve one. After all, if Al Gore gets one, I think we should all be entitled to the honor.

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Spider established unusual web site

In this week?s column, I had been planning to discuss my sure-fire plan to get the U.S. troops out of Iraq quickly. Then I realized I can barely get myself to school on time, so I decided against that.

Instead, I am going to talk about my missing spider.

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This year’s fair was lacking?heat

I hope I?m not stealing publisher Joel Klaassen?s thunder by saying this, but I am very happy to introduce to you the Oracle!

The Oracle is a revamped newspaper produced by the new journalism class at Hillsboro High School, and we will be publishing an eight-page spread through the Free Press every month this school year.

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