Category: Don’t Ask Why

Hey, how did high school end without my permission?

The thought suddenly occurred to me sometime last week that this was it; my high school career was coming to an abrupt close without my permission and there was nothing I could do about it.

I?ve been living this year as if it wasn?t actually going to be the end of anything. Yes, I?ve been counting down the days until summer vacation, but then in another three months I would be walking right back through the doors of Hillsboro High School. A fifth-year senior.

Read more ›

Pets are the gift that keep on taking

If you were thinking about buying stock in any large companies, I would strongly suggest getting a few shares of Petco. My reasoning is that I now own a mouse.

For those of you who don?t know, Petco is a large, franchised pet store that specializes in selling small animals that serve no real purpose in the (cue ?Lion King? music) Great Circle of Life other than pooping and dying.

Read more ›

Tooth issue will take some wisdom

I was enjoying myself at Hillsboro High School?s junior/senior/assorted underclassmen/several outside dates prom two weekends ago when I discovered that I have a serious dental emergency that I need to have looked at immediately.

Read more ›

Mall malady meddles many men

United States researchers have recently revealed the discovery of a very common disease that is not new, but has gone unnoticed and untreated for decades. The disease, named Male Pattern Mallness, is a temporarily crippling virus that can potentially affect any male at some point in his life.

Read more ›

Poetry not always so profound

I feel like I?ve been disillusioned. All of my life, I?ve been led to believe that poets were overly sensitive people who spend hours sitting in a dark room, meticulously putting their sensitive thoughts onto paper using sensitive words.

Read more ›

Hair experiment was a close shave

If there?s anything that you want to avoid under any circumstances, it?s making a satirical remark about how long it has been since your girlfriend last shaved her legs.

I learned this the hard way.

Read more ›

Time to stop Daylight Saving Time

Maybe it?s just me, but I?ve decided that Daylight Saving Time is just one big pain in the gluteus maximus.

An announcement in church last Sunday reminded everyone to set their clocks ahead. I decided I?m not going to.

As far as I?m concerned, if God had wanted earth?s rotation to be convenient for us, he would have installed some sort of dial in a fairly handy location so that we could adjust the speed at which our planet goes around the sun.

Read more ›

Not giving up on a car giving out

I?m getting the impression that my car is giving out on me. Any day now I?m expecting to walk out of my house on a school morning and find a large mound of teal debris sitting in the driveway with four tires mixed in among the rusty dust.

Read more ›

Touring the wasteland called radio

I?m driving in my car on a nice, clear Saturday morning. I feel like listening to some good music. I think I?ll turn on the radio and see what?s playing.

Read more ›

Beware: This column may be cursed

You may not want to read this column. Chances are it?s cursed. At least, I know I am.

I?ve never been incredibly superstitious, although I have been known to throw some salt over my right shoulder when I see the reflection in a broken mirror of a black cat running under a ladder on Friday the 13th.

Read more ›