Category: Don’t Ask Why

TV hurricane coverage really blows

Host: For those of you just tuning in, we here at the Weather Channel just finished a riveting, uninterrupted 65-minute segment of random local forecasts for every city in the United States except yours, accompanied by riveting light jazz that is only attractive to senior citizens and sarcastic, college-aged newspaper columnists.

As riveting as that segment is, we now turn our attention to Hurricane Lloyd. As we reported earlier this evening, Lloyd has been heading for a direct collision with the Gulf Coast. We now take you live to the scene with the same reporter that we always send out because he likes to stand out in the wind.

Reporter: As you can see because I am standing out here in the middle of the street, Hurricane Lloyd is beginning to come onto land, bringing strong winds and torrential rain.

Read more ›

Toilet Paper Fairy makes it to college

I am happy to report that the Toilet Paper Fairy has followed me to college.

This was an area of major concern for me the days before moving into my dorm room. At home, when the toilet paper tube was empty, I made it my practice to just leave it there. Then, sometime between then and revisiting the bathroom a couple hours later, the Toilet Paper Fairy would have magically replaced the empty tube with a brand new roll.

I think the Toilet Paper Fairy is directly affiliated with the Tooth Fairy, who magically changes pillow-covered teeth into cash while one sleeps.

Read more ›

First beard a hair-raising adventure

There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless?boys and women?and I am neither one. ?Greek saying

Placing a quote at the beginning of one?s column is cheap way of not having to work it into the actual article. ?David Vogel

I like Google.com?s ?I?m feeling lucky? feature. All one has to do is type in a search word or phrase and hit the optional button, and it will lead the searcher directly to a relevant Web page.

No sifting through search results required.

Usually, ?I?m feeling lucky? is right on the money. A search of ?Bush administration? goes straight to www.whitehouse.gov, ?USD 410? goes right to the school?s home page, a query of ?Google? leads directly back to the homepage, and an entry of my home telephone number will lead me to a Google page with my parent?s names and address.

Read more ›

You can learn a lot when you teach

?Not Your Average Diction?ary? defines the noun ?boy? as ?a noise with dirt on it.? Yet, somewhere inside that noise and underneath that dirt, there are plenty of lessons to be learned.

I had the opportunity to figure this out last week when I led a group of four going-into-third-grade boys around my church?s vacation Bible school.

Author Franklin P. Jones might have had a better definition for young boys when he said, ?You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.?

This point was soon made for me as I tried to corral my four guys into one location during song time, which is decent entertainment for anyone but a third-grade boy who would rather be wrestling with another third-grade boy.

Read more ›

If I were to be elected to something

With the Aug. 5 primary elections approaching quickly, I finally decided it was about time to toss my hat into the ring. I?m not running for anything in particular, but I would appreciate your vote. Just feel free to write my name in under any of the categories.

But I figured that as long as I?m running for something, I should probably explain my views on the issues. I have divided my thoughts into three categories: local, state and international.

Local

n If elected to whatever, I would straighten out this county jail issue. The proposed Marion County Jail is a hot news item right now, and I?m sure that you?ll all agree with me when I say that a 1 percent sales tax increase to fund that dang thing would be a suicidal move for the commerce of our county in due (get it?) time.

Read more ›

College move looms on the horizon

I recently became aware that summer was coming to a close much quicker than I had anticipated. This reality struck when my mom suggested I should start deciding what kind of things I should take along to put in my dorm room when I leave for college this fall. As far as I was concerned, I still had plenty of […]

Read more ›

Sneakers, T-shirts a dead giveaway

?If you plan to travel to any of these areas (in Europe), for your own
safety you must create the impression that you?re not from the United
States. Rule 1 is: Do not wear sneakers.?

I was reading these words
in one of Dave Barry?s latest books, ?Dave Barry?s Money Secrets,?
several days after I had returned from my nine-day tour of Europe.

Read more ›

Toasting a fresh-off-the-grill sunburn

You know that shade of pink you see when you cut into the middle of a perfectly cooked medium-rare steak? Well, that?s the color my back is.

The only difference is that the fresh-off-the-grill steak isn?t nearly was hot as my back feels right now.

Read more ›

Have passport, will insult- if need be

I really should be packing right now. Instead, I?m looking up insults.

I feel I need to be a little bit more worried about getting my luggage put together right now than I really am. By this time next week my feet will be more-or-less firmly planted in this little city you might have heard of. Paris, to be exact.

Yes, the one in France.

Read more ›

Spiders weave their web of warning

Some people claim they can tell when the weather is going to change because they have some sort of ?trick joint.?

?Oh man, looks like we?re in for a cold front,? they say. ?My knee is acting up again.?

Of course, there is also the chance their swelling could also be called by another name?a little medical term doctors like to diagnose as ?arthritis.?

Read more ›