ORIGINALLY WRITTEN ANDREW OTTOSON
I really like the age-old tradition of making New Year’s resolutions, but my resolutions never turn out nearly as well as I hope.
I went with three solid resolutions for 2006: cook for myself, lift weights, watch less TV.
Twelve months and 200 frozen pizzas later, I’m 0-for-3 and it’s looking like I’ve got more in common with George Costanza than any of the effervescent chefs on the Food Network.
So I handled my resolutions a little differently this time around.
To make up for a poor showing last year, I’m going to keep working at the cooking thing. I should probably take another shot at the watching less TV thing, but I’m opting to cut my losses on the weightlifting thing.
Instead of buying a Bow Flex and watching it collect dust instead of “Seinfeld” reruns, I think it would be way more productive to name my column “The Bench Press” and start telling myself that writing is as good for a man’s body as working out.
Just to make sure I don’t get myself in trouble with wildly inflated New Year’s resolutions ever again, the only new resolutions I’ll be writing down will be for other people.
I’m doing this despite the fact that there isn’t really very much I could do to make anyone follow through with my resolutions.
But hey, that minor problem never stopped the United Nations from trying, either.
First and foremost, I’m resolving that Herm Edwards needs to call more plays that result in touchdown passes to Tony Gonzalez, and soon.
Contrary to what my dad and brother might say, this resolution has nothing to do with trading my geographic loyalty to the Broncos for geographic loyalty to the Chiefs.
The truth is, I just got sick of hearing last week’s NFL Network announcers repeating that “the next TD pass Tony Gonzalez catches will tie him with Shannon Sharpe for the most career touchdown catches by a tight end.”
Stats of the week: Oakland gave up four sacks in its Week 16 loss to the Chiefs. The Raiders have allowed 70 sacks so far this season.
With eight more against the Jets on New Year’s Eve, the 2007 Raiders can tie the 1997 Arizona Cardinals for second place all-time.
The 1986 Philadelphia Eagles allowed 104 sacks to become the most sacked team in NFL history.
Second resolution: someone-maybe Wichita State basketball coach Mark Turgeon-needs to remind the Shockers that being highly ranked does not make the games any easier to win.
Following consecutive losses, and in light of all the attention the team has received after last spring’s NCAA tournament run, one wonders whether playing in the national spotlight might become a distraction as the season wears on.
Then again, if the young men at WSU are actually that vulnerable to bright lights, maybe the team should resolve to skip next year’s Las Vegas Classic entirely.
Third resolution: I’m resolving that the Philadelphia Flyers trade Peter Forsberg to the Calgary Flames, one of NHL’s Western Conference powerhouses.
The reason for my interest in such a trade has very little to do with my over-zealous fascination with hockey.
Moving Forsberg to Calgary would add to Philly’s recent history of dumping highly paid, underachieving superstars while getting as little as possible in return.
Not only that, it would add to the possibility that the Philadelphia faithful would get stuck watching their former heroes win championships in other cities.
For fans in one of the national sports scene’s long-suffering cities, enduring one traded star’s championship would be bad enough.
But two-thirds of the perfect storm of misfortune look ready to come together in a single winter if Terrell Owens grabs a trophy in Dallas and Allen Iverson hoists one in Denver.
And I think that with Forsberg in Calgary, the Flames would have a legitimate shot to win the Stanley Cup and thereby complete Philly’s trifecta of winter sports misery.