DON’T ASK WHY- Darn answering-machine campaigns…

“Hello. You’ve reached the Milfords. We’re sorry we can’t come to the phone right now. Well, actually, there’s the possibility that we could have, but didn’t feel like it because we were busy doing something else. To be honest, we’re probably standing by the phone to see if you are anyone we want to talk to. But there is a possibility that we are actually out of the house, so leave a message at the tone if you absolutely have to. But we can’t promise we’ll listen to it.”


“Hello. This is an annoying, prerecorded courtesy call for this week’s political elections. This call is sponsored by The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel, who sincerely feel that Dan Schnitzel is the right man for the job! What job, you ask? Any job! That’s just how sure of Dan Schnitzel that The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel are of Dan Schnitzel.

As you may know, Dan Schnitzel has been serving our community for 15 years-17, if you count the two years that Dan Schnitzel served in our community prison.

But as is life, forgive and forget, right? Because, quite frankly, The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel sincerely believe Dan Schnitzel has fully recovered from what some might describe as a rather bizarre way of coping with a midlife crisis by stealing dead trout from the supermarket and stuffing them into the muffler of people’s cars.

Ha ha, that’s actually pretty funny, isn’t it? Dan Schnitzel definitely has a sense of humor! That’s just one more reason why The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel are so sure that Dan Schnitzel is the perfect man to elect!

So what makes Dan Schnitzel such an ideal guy? Well, let us tell you a little bit about his childhood. But have a box of tissues ready, because Dan Schnitzel has led an inspiring life, which has allowed him to reach his prestigious title that he now holds today.

Dan Schnitzel was born to Mark and Phyllis Schnitzel on June 11, 1964, at the community hospital. He led a fairly normal childhood, until the day when his political talents shone through, sometime in the fourth grade.

Dan Schnitzel was minding his own business in the lunch line, when the school bully pushed him out of the way and took his spot. Mortified at the blatant disdain of civilized humanity, Dan Schnitzel realized that the beginning of this sentence had a lot of big words.

So he looked them up.

After that, Dan Schnitzel went to the principal of the school to criticize the school’s lack of enforcement of basic rules. But to no avail; the principal did nothing but say, “Better luck next time, son,” and shoved Dan Schnitzel out of his office-but not before giving Dan Schnitzel a nice red lollipop that tasted like cough syrup.

Not satisfied with the way the situation had been handled thus far, Dan Schnitzel did something that no fourth-grader had ever done before. Something that will stand the test of time as the foundation of modern politics for centuries to come. Something that will be recorded in political history books and recited for generations at such prestigious schools as Harvard.

Dan Schnitzel sued the bully’s family.

Granted, Dan Schnitzel only sued for $3.25, the exact cost of the lunch he missed because he was busy looking up words. But, by golly, The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel feel this personality trait is a true sign of character. A true sign of a leader. A true sign that Dan Schnitzel will sue The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel if Dan Schnitzel does not get elected.

Dan Schnitzel has also overcome many obstacles that life has thrown at him. When Dan Schnitzel was 12, his goldfish died.

To conclude our story of Dan Schnitzel’s childhood, let us just say that Dan Schnitzel grew up to be one of the leading attorneys in the area, mainly because Dan Schnitzel is the only attorney in the area. But do you think that The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel is going to let that minor detail get in the way of promoting Dan Schnitzel? We didn’t think so.

Perhaps you have noticed that this courtesy call for Dan Schnitzel by The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel contains the words “Dan Schnitzel” a lot. Well, that’s because we think “Dan Schnitzel” is fun to say. Here, say it with us: Dan Schnitzel Dan Schnitzel Dan Schnitzel.

But now let us get on to Dan Schnitzel’s platform, which makes him the perfect candidate for The People To Elect Dan Schnitzel. First, Dan Schnitzel’s remarkable political views in the fields of-

Beep. End of tape.

* * *

UFO: The average adult has four dreams a night and one nightmare a year.

Don’t ask why.

More from article archives
Lagoons now top choice for rural-home
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FREE PRESS STAFF Wash an apple under the sink faucet,...
Read More