ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
Every country is cursed with its own strange societal quirks. For example, in France the women don’t shave their armpits, Australians are doomed to silly accents, the British are in desperate need of several good dentists, Italy is infested with Italian-singing opera stars, and Canadians are just Canadians.
All of these traits are what makes that country what it is.
So the United State’s trait makes it “big.” That’s our country’s trait.
Because, let’s face it, compared to the rest of the world, we Americans look like overinflated manatees who just got back from the All You Can Eat Buffet at the McGreasy down the street.
This is not to say that you, personally, are a manatee. I’m sure you’re very in shape. (Round is a shape.)
In fact, scientific studies have shown that our section of the Americas has actually sunk about 10 feet since the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776, due to excess body weight.
And by “scientific studies,” I, of course, mean that it sounded good in my head.
Sure, there is a small percentage of Americans who are not fast-food frenzied whackos. These people are, of course, located in the Fashion Model demographic, which consists of women who, while not snacking lightly on one low-fat graham cracker per day, see how tightly they can get the Saran Wrap around their wastes.
You will also note that most of these models have accents indicating that they came from someplace outside of the United States.
I bring up this weighty issue because I recently ran across an article that began ringing a few warning bells in the Why American is Bulging at the Seems department.
Apparently a Florida restaurant has come up with a new way to take the nation’s overall cholesterol level up a notch on the country’s belt.
The Old Homestead Steakhouse recently developed a hamburger so large that if too many Floridians eat it, the Sunshine State will run the risk of completely collapsing into the Atlantic Ocean.
The only good I can see coming out of that is much smoother presidential elections, but who needs that?
Anyway, the burger, deemed the “beluga caviar of sandwiches”-yeah, I don’t know what that means, either-is a massive 51⁄2 inches across and 21⁄2 thick. Plus, it’s made up of beef from three different countries: American prime beef, Japanese Kobe and Argentine cattle.
After doing a very intense mathematical calculation that involved sitting in front of my computer, blankly, for about five minutes trying to figure out what the next sentence should say, I figured there’s enough fatty-substance in that burger to completely clog every artery leading to your heart within five minutes of digesting that the burger.
However, the gigantic size alone is not the final thread to snap, causing the anvil to fall on Wile E. Coyote’s head. It’s the price!
This burger is listed on the menu as $100! And that’s before adding all the trimmings and tax.
My first question is, why would anybody pay $100 for a burger? My second question is, after paying $100 for a burger, why would you eat it?
I mean, that thing’s a piece of art. Put it on display! It’d make a great conversation piece. “Oh yes,” you could say to your obviously impressed guests, “that puppy has THREE different kinds of beef in it!”
Aside from the slightly outrageous price, this hamburger really isn’t that different from a serving you would get at any restaurant that doesn’t give away free toys with an order from their kids menu.
American restaurant serving sizes are getting to the point where a simple order of onion rings is enough to feed a family of four for at least a week. And that’s if all four of the members are John Goodman.
I’m surprised that glasses of water haven’t been upgraded to gallon jugs.
So it’s not our fault that Americans are putting on the pounds. It’s the fault of the restaurants. So I’m proposing this plan….
The next time your family goes to a fancy, sit-down restaurant where you have to wait more than 10 minutes for your food, only order one steak dinner off the menu, and then split it into equal shares for the entire family.
This will prevent you from overeating, as you will be able to finish everything that’s in front of you without stuffing yourself. By doing this, you will limit your calorie intake to a healthy level, and you will gain a better image of yourself, as you realize that you’re not as big of a pig as you thought you were.
Of course, you might still be a little hungry, so reward yourself for being so well disciplined by taking your family out for ice cream. Let everyone get three scoops, and make sure everybody eats his or her cone!
But the No. 1 dieting tip is this: Have a positive body image of yourself. And keep in mind that manatees got fat by strictly eating plants. Just think what that steak and ice cream is doing to you.
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UFO: George H.W. Bush was the youngest Navy pilot of World War II. He got shot down.
Don’t ask why.