DON’T ASK WHY- Olympics were dramatic, but too hard for most humans

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
We are now finished with that special time that rolls around every few years when millions of international viewers gather around their television sets and wonder how in the world McDonald’s got to be a major sponsor of the Olympic games.

I base this statement on the fact that recent scientific studies have shown that just by walking through the Golden Arches’ front doors, you are incurring an extra 50 tons onto your body weight. Of course, this is because your shoes automatically become bonded to the floor, but that’s a whole other topic.

What I’m getting at is the athletes that recently performed in Tortilla (or something like that), Italy, appeared to have never even touched a Mickey D’s french fry, let alone eaten one. Take one look at any given athlete, and you will suddenly realize that-despite what your bathroom scale says-you really are a mega-tub of Crisco.

Trust me, I feel the same way.

Every night the past couple weeks, as I sat down to watch the Olympic games, I was overwhelmed by the fact that everyone there seemed to have about .000001 percent body fat. And where you and I have squishy protrusions, these people have muscles the size of Labrador retrievers.

This is why no matter what sport they happen to be competing in, they have skin-tight uniforms-just to show off their fantastically-in-shape bodies, and make the rest of the world feel like a hippo coming home after Free Krispy Kreme Donut Day at the office.

That is, the parts of the world that have television. Those small, “developing” countries that lack certain amenities such as electricity, plumbing and Dick Cheney are happy as clams.

But getting back to my original topic-I personally stopped paying attention after “Krispy Kreme”-despite the fact that McDonald’s is the world’s leading supplier of clogged arteries, during every Olympic Games we are bombarded with cute and carrying commercials declaring that McDonald’s is an Official Sponsor of the Winter Olympics.

However, this is not to say that I don’t enjoy the Olympics. I love the Olympics! It is filled with so much drama and excitement, that I can’t not love the Olympics. Particularly four years ago in Salt Lake City, Utah, when a French judge proved once and for all that the French are unshaven underarm, cheese eating, wine drinking, cheats. (Just kidding! Sort of!)

One of my favorite parts of the winter sports is couples’ figure skating, mainly because I enjoy making fun of their costumes. My family had some nice bonding time the other night when we all sat down to watch couples figure skating. I believe a few of the remarks we made about the women’s costumes were “toilet paper,” “Tweety Bird,” and, “It looks like they painted that on her and stuck on a feather.”

This is how pathetic my family is when it comes to entertainment.

And then there are the men’s costumes, which looked like leftover designs from the disco era. Both the men’s and women’s costumes posed a serious threat to the world’s dwindling sequin reserves.

Another exciting aspect of the Olympics is the opening ceremony. I say this for several reasons.

First are the announcers.

Voiceovers for any event that is fairly self-explanatory are a dumb idea. Take parades. You always have two “hosts” sitting up above the parade, giving you the play-by-play analysis on every single obvious event taking place. (“That float is covered in red roses! And there’s a person waving. Does that look like a tuba to you? Hey, look! It’s Dick Cheney with a shotgun!”)

At the opening ceremony for the Olympics, it’s not much better. The performers are out there rolling around and attempting to do tricks and make shapes out of a huddled mass of bodies, and the announcers will be discussing how much work this took, and how they have really pulled it together, and how great it looks!

I particularly enjoyed the part of the open ceremonies where some of the performers rolled around with fire on their heads. But my personal favorite part is the Parade of Athletes, which is a prime time to make fun of foreign names.

This year’s Olympic Games are also full of drama. Besides all the fun that goes on with the steroid accusations, Michelle Kwan withdrew from competition due to an injury. This came as a major shock to me, as I said, “Michelle who?”

With these two points in mind, I have a proposition to make: easier sports.

It should be fairly obvious from the above two points that some of the Olympic sports are just too hard for most humans to handle without illegal drug use. That’s why I’m proposing the new Watered-Down Olympic concept, which would enable the average, everyday Joe to have a shot at competing for the gold.

Among some of the new events would be the rigorous Free Style Recliner, where men with large stomachs compete to go up and down the most times in a recliner chair. Also on the list would be the Root Beer Chugging Open.

My personal favorite would be the 800-meter Zamboni, where athletes would drive an ice resurfacing machine in circles, competing for the best time.

And maybe to get Dick Cheney involved, we could have the Shoot Your Hunting Buddy and Not Tell Anybody About it for a Long Time event. Wouldn’t that be GREAT?!

* * *

UFO: No country in the Southern Hemisphere has ever hosted a Winter Games.

Don’t ask why.

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