ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
I have some great news: Barbie and Ken are getting back together!
As you probably know, the two dolls have been broken up for about two years, when Barbie dumped Ken for an Australian surfer dude named Blaine.
This has been one the biggest contributors to my stress for the past couple years. Somehow I just felt the balance of the universe was off without Barbie and Ken dating.
Often I would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming, “Why?! Why did you dump Ken? You two were so perfect! You’ve been together for decades! And you dumped him for a surfer? A surfer named Blaine? What kind of stupid name is Blaine? Blaine sounds like some kind of nutritional thing in my whole-grain breakfast cereal! As in, ‘Blaine: part of this balanced breakfast.’ How could you….”
But now Ken is back with a whole new makeover. I saw it on the news the other day.
If I had to describe his new looks, I’d say “40-year-old Backstreet Boy wannabe with hair plugs and tacky, plastic ‘bling.'” Oh yes…. I’m sure that’s the hot look that every plastic doll desires.
In case you haven’t caught on, I’m using heavy sarcasm here. In fact, I couldn’t care less about the romantic affairs of two pieces of plastic.
Actually, I have a hard enough time just understanding Barbie herself, whose figure is so anatomically impossible that if she were blown up (I mean enlarged, not exploded-although there was that one time in junior high…) she would be shaped a little like Dolly Parton, only taller, with enough hair to be considered a fire hazard.
Operator: This is 911. What’s your emergency?
Ken: Barbie’s hair is on fire.
Operator: Again? What’d she do, walk into a room with a candle?
Ken: Yeah. I keep telling her not to use so much hairspray.
Operator: We’ll have a team out there in a few minutes.
Ken: Incidentally, what does the name Blaine remind you of?
But before I get too off topic, the guy behind Ken’s new look is Phillip Bloch, a man who is not only some sort of celebrity fashion designer, but whose name can also be rearranged to spell “Bill chop Phil.”
Bloch said, “It’s really about getting in touch with the new him; little pieces of jewelry, great necklaces, jeans worn-in, because he’s been traveling so much. He just doesn’t look like a doll now, he looks like a real person.”
First of all, I would just like to ask what kind of burnt plastic Bloch has been sniffing lately. The last time I checked, in movies, the more human dolls look the more likely they are to chop you up in your sleep.
Second, what does Bloch mean by “getting in touch with the new him?” Dolls do NOT get in touch with themselves. What they do get is ripped out of a cardboard box, thrown around, lose their accessories, and eventually have hair that looks like a cat gagged it up.
Almost all of my cousins are girls, so I have seen this pattern many times in the past.
But above all, this whole breaking-up-and-getting-back-together thing is getting incredibly old. It is a publicity stunt that has been used in Hollywood so many times that two characters not getting back together is a major shock.
I’ve been studying “Boy Meets World” reruns, and my research has revealed that Cory and Topanga broke up approximately 10 million times during the show’s run.
Then there are all those famous celebrities who-as far as I can tell-only get married so they can divorce and get lots of publicity.
Instead, I think a new approach needs to be taken for this Barbie situation. Namely, Barbie needs to get more edgy.
If I made the effort to get up early enough for Saturday morning cartoons (which I don’t), I predict that I would see numerous ads for Fairy Barbie, Mermaid Barbie, The Barbie-Formerly-Known-as-Barbie Barbie, Jury Duty Barbie, No Apparent Theme to Her Outfit Barbie, Beach Barbie and Blaine: Part of This Balanced Breakfast Barbie. And also, taking a peak down the Barbie aisle at any Toys Backward-R Us store, would reveal a majority of pinks and purples.
While this is nice-cute and happy-that is not what girls today want. Today’s women of tomorrow do not want cute and happy. They want edgy. They want rock-n-roll. They want dark. They want slightly evil. Head-Banger Barbie, Possessed Barbie and Goth Barbie would probably be great sellers.
But, anyway, I am happy for the couple. They’re a match made in Mattel. (Har!)
And I would like to say that just because I wrote an entire column on Barbie, this in no way represents any part of my lifestyle. I’m just a guy poking fun at the toy industry. And now I’m going to go check how many cups of Blaine are in a serving of Cheerios.
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UFO: Barbie is about 47 years old. Can you say “lipo?” (It’s a rhetorical question. I’m sure you can.) Don’t ask why.