ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
I don’t want to scare you, but Valentine’s Day is getting alarmingly close.
This probably means that you women are coming up with these absurd fantasies of how your lover will sweep you off your feet with a romantic dinner, flowers, a box of chocolates, a moonlit walk and finally wrapping up your Evening of Romance with a passionate kiss.
Meanwhile, you men are out there going, “Valentine’s Day is WHEN?”
Because, let’s face it, when it comes to romance, men are idiots.
Take any burly lumberjack who can burp the complete alphabet-which is about as masculine as you can get without technically sweating testosterone-and sit him at a table across from a woman. This will cause him to become a blubbering idiot.
I personally happen to be very experienced in romance because I have been in two very serious relationships, both of them going nearly to marriage. Even though these both occurred before the age of 7, I still feel I have a fairly decent background in this area of socializing.
Another relationship that I was in later in life was also blooming pretty well. Unfortunately, the magic was lost when we got in trouble for hugging at recess.
I happen to be great when it comes to women, which is why I am currently more single than I’ve ever been in my life. (Call me.)
But despite this, I feel I have a very knowledgeable background in the romance department, so I figured I’d help the rest of you guys by writing this short manual:
The Guy’s Guide to Romance (How not to get kicked in the shins).
I have been kicked in the shins numerous times-by the same girl, who has had a locker right next to mine for the last five years. Trust me, guys, it is not as romantic as it sounds. It also bruises.
So sit back and absorb all this valuable information, guys, because you do not want this Valentine’s date to go down the toilet.
1. Have a good pick-up line. Pick-up lines are key in the process of getting a date. I happen to have access to a large archive of pick-up lines, thanks to my father. He sent me a whole bunch in an e-mail recently. I’m not really sure what my father does for a living, because whenever I get home from school, my Inbox is clogged with messages from him.
But getting back to the issue at hand, you are going to want to use a tasteful pick-up line. However, there is no such thing. But here are a few examples of what you definitely do not want to say:
- “Are you a parking ticket? Because you got ‘fine’ written all over you.”
- “What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?”
- “Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I’m here after.”
- “Do you have a BandAid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.”
- “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”
- “Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.”
- “Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?”
And you should-at all costs-avoid this one:
- “If you were a booger I’d pick you first.”
2. Give an appropriate gift. Believe it or not guys, women do not want something useful when it comes to gifts. If you happen to know that they are currently in need of a new appliance, don’t even consider getting it for them.
Women like useless things, like candles or picture frames so tasteless that you would not in a million years ever consider putting your own picture in it. The more useless the gift is, the more she will love it.
Gifts are especially important when the relationship is getting more serious. For first or second dates, flowers or chocolates are OK. But once you’re into that two- to three-week area, prepare to take out a second mortgage.
And, before you ask, guys: no, women do not find power tools romantic. Expensive jewelry is recommended.
3. Make sure you go someplace romantic. While any guy would be fine with maybe taking in a basketball game and catching a greasy burger at a fast-food joint on the way home, women would prefer to spend money. To be more specific, yours.
For your Valentine’s date, you might want to make reservations at the fancy French restaurant Aliments d’Amour, which is French for “We’ll Serve You a Noodle for Twenty Bucks.” Then you’ll want to go to one of those mushy movies where you know-even before the Hollywood Trivia has ended-who is going to die.
In these types of movies, somebody has to die. Usually a prominent character. Death is a required plot twist in all schmaltzy movies, as dictated by the Sappy International Cinema Keepsakes company (SICK). And for added drama, the directors always make sure lots of other bad stuff happens to the other characters.
These types of movies are not unlike the country music style. Except most of the actors in the movies actually have talent.
That’s all you need to know! Now stop trying to burp the alphabet, get off the couch and find a date. Also, wear shin guards.
* * *
UFO: When returning from the moon, astronauts had to go through customs.
Don’t ask why.