FREE FALLING-Beware: shopping can lower testosterone level

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN BOB WOELK
Some random winter thoughts likely brought on by a case of frozen brain:

  • I actually felt my testosterone level drop on a recent shopping trip to Wichita when I followed my wife into three separate “chick” stores: Bath, Bed and Beyond; Bath and Body Works; and Linens and Things.

    I rescued my sense of manliness with quick trips to Restoration Hardware and the tool section of Sears, where I grunted a lot and hefted the biggest chain saw on display.

  • There are key differences between men and women, by the way, and brain science is closing in on the biology that separates the thought processes of the two sexes.

    The other night I saw a story on the local news that scientists have confirmed that when men claim they are listening to women, they really aren’t. No duh.

    CAT scans and MRIs have apparently revealed that when men are watching football and auto racing, no brain activity occurs at all.

    Actually, scans have shown that men listen with only half of their brains, while women are capable of using both hemispheres. This allegedly explains why men hear their wives but don’t really listen.

    How could these techniques have developed? My guess is, started when cave gals asked their hubbies to take out the trash while the cave guys were watching the neighborhood wrestling matches on their big-screen stone tablets.

    Over time, the males learned to tune out their women. I always tell my spouse that I am very good at focusing on one thing so I perceive the whole message. It just so happens that one thing is college basketball.

  • Not only is my brain incapable of solving those sudoku puzzles that are so popular these days, it is incapable of understanding why anyone would even want to try. I just don’t get it-literally.

    For those who have been living in a cave in Montana, sudoku puzzles involve placing numbers in squares so that each line contains all the numbers 1 through 9 up, down, across and within the squares.

    I think this whole craze is another example of how the Japanese have infiltrated the American economy. They must have made huge investments in our pencil eraser industry.

    Once they saw we were gullible enough to not only purchase inflatable lawn ornaments, but actually place them in our yards, they knew we were game for any fad they could invent.

  • I was watching a women’s basketball game the other day when I heard this question expressed: Why do the women and girls on volleyball teams wear the tightest, shortest spandex shorts possible and yet those same athletes want the loosest, longest, baggiest shorts available for basketball?

    Ladies, as a male whose testosterone levels are nearly normal most of the time, I can tell you, those volleyball shorts are not flattering unless you happen to be built like a 10-year-old boy.

  • Though I know I’ve made this comment before, I continue to wonder at what point media people have to add the “above” to temperatures. If we are told it is 5 degrees outside, shouldn’t we assume that means plus-5 and not minus-5 degrees? What is the magic number? If the temperature drops below 10 degrees, do we automatically need to be told when that number is below or above zero?
  • Speaking of cold weather, a group of us mentally challenged runners (is that redundant?) have convinced the Hillsboro Recreation Commission to sponsor the Frostbite Four Mile Run/Walk on New Year’s Day.

    The “race” will start at 2 p.m. at the Scout House and wind its way through the streets of Hillsboro. There will be hot chocolate and a place to warm up available after the finish.

    Cost is a mere $10, which includes a commemorative stocking cap and permission to brag that you started the year off right with some quality exercise.

    This run/walk event is open to everyone, and will not feature any major prizes. Pre-registration deadline is Dec. 23. Forms are available at the city office. Call Randy Wiens at 947-3690 or 2409 or me at 947-3342 for more information.

    It should be fun. The only weather that cancels the event is super-slippery streets. We may be crazy, but we’re not insane.

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