DON’T ASK WHY

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
Like most Americans, I spend a lot of time thinking about how to get rich. There’s this little voice in my head that keeps telling me that I have the potential to become one of the wealthiest individuals in the world.

“Hey, stupid,” that little voice usually says. “Everybody has the potential to become rich! So stop daydreaming and get back to your Geometry homework.”

So, as I’m sure you guessed, I still haven’t achieved wealth and fame.

But what gets my goat-not that I technically HAVE a goat-is that there are people in this world who do have money. In fact, they have lots of money. They could probably buy as many goats as they wanted to!

I’m talking about people like Bill Gates, Donald Trump, Martha Stewart and Drew Carry. What do they have-besides money-that I don’t have?

It’s like one day they were normal people. And then they went to bed at 10:30, got up at midnight to get a drink, got back up at 4:45 to go to the bathroom and then at 6:00 they got up to watch the news and… BOOM! They were rich.

I wanted to wake up for the third time that night and be rich, too. So, I put together a list of industries that have helped people reach wealth, which was sure to make me the richest businessman in the universe.

But it didn’t work. So, being the selfless guy that I am, I figured I’d share that list with you. Good luck. You’ll need it.

1. Oil. As most of you know, oil prices are getting to be pretty high. So mainly what you have to do to succeed in this industry is find a good source of oil and sell it. Unfortunately, this isn’t as easy as it sounds.

I’m sure you’ve heard the story about a man named Jed; a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. Then one day when he was shooting at some food, up through they ground came a bubblin’ crude. (Oil, that is: black gold, Texas tea.)

So then, just in a split second, ol’ Jed went from hillbilly to millionaire, and after some prodding from his kinfolk, he moved to Californy. (Beverly Hills, that is: swimmin’ pools, movie stars.)

But most people don’t get that lucky. So what you’re going to have to do is come up with a way to make your own oil, which technically isn’t that hard after you’ve been living off of Mountain Dew for the last 48 hours without any sleep.

How many of you have fish aquariums in your homes? Good. Now how many of you have accidentally missed the passing of a fish until it was broken down into too many little fish particles to clean out?

What you do now is you let those remains settle to the bottom of your aquarium. The fish remains will get compressed under the aquarium pebbles, and in a few million years you’ll have oil!

2. Technology. The technology industry is always growing and changing. With a new computer system coming out right after you buy one, you can be sure that there is some good money being made! You just need to figure out how you’re going to get a portion of those sales.

There are two ways of doing this. First, you yourself could get hired by a large computer company such as Microsoft, Apple or Acme, and come up with the latest inventions and designs.

Or you could just marry one of Bill Gates’ daughters.

Of the two, the easiest would probably be to marry into the family. I suggest you propose with a ring that has a 14-gigabyte chip.

3. Real estate. There are a couple different ways you can go into this business. The first is to sell houses. This job consists of getting clients that want to sell their house. So you get a “For Sale” sign that has your picture on it and you stick it in their yard and leave it there until the house is either sold or demolished.

Selling houses isn’t that easy, mainly because whatever price you and your clients decide on, it will be outside the potential buyer’s price range.

“Price range” is just a fancy term for “we really don’t want to move from our other house, so we refuse to purchase any home for more than $1,000. But we’ll still act really interested in all the houses we look at so we can get their hopes up. Then we go home and laugh our heads off, because they actually think that we will call them back! Ha ha ha!”

So naturally if you’re going into real estate, you’re going to want to be a landlord instead.

To do this, you’ll need to own some property that you technically aren’t using. This could either be a house our an apartment complex.

When most people think of landlords, they reminisce about “I Love Lucy,” where the landlords-Fred and Ethel-have a great relationship with their tenants.

Fortunately for you, you won’t have time to go out to clubs with your tenants, because you’ll be too busy fixing plumbing problems that the tenants create, such as getting weird things-things that you generally wouldn’t associate with plumbing-stuck in the toilets.

4. TV show host. This is a great way to achieve fame AND fortune! But first you’ll have to get an agent, otherwise you’ll look like a complete bonehead when you show up at auditions by yourself.

An agent’s main job is to say “no” until you finally get offered enough money. Which won’t happen. But they still get 10 percent of your pay.

It doesn’t really matter what kind of host you are. You could do talk shows, home improvement shows, reality shows, game shows, shopping network shows… the possibilities are endless!

Your show should go pretty smoothly for the first couple seasons. But after that you’ll want to boost ratings by pulling a stupid stunt like giving your entire studio audience a free car or going to jail.

You’ll also need a large wardrobe. God forbid you ever do a show wearing shoes that you’d already worn once!

So anyway, I hope that these ideas will help you to become extremely rich over night. I’ve got a lot more ideas, but I don’t have room for them all in this column.

However, I would love to help you become a millionaire. Just make an appointment with me and I will discuss all the benefits of my Exclusive Member’s Only Fortune Plan.

For just a measly $50 per minute, you’ll walk out my door with all the information you’ll need to become rich.

But if all else fails, just create a new line of floppy stuffed animals with whimsical names, a birthday and a cute poem. Those seem to sell pretty well.

* * *

UFO: The top speed that astronauts travel when they go to the moon is 24,679 mph!

Don’t ask why.

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