DON’T ASK WHY

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
This week marks three years since I started writing columns. I’m not just saying that to hint toward a pay raise, oh no! Although that would be nice, I’m also using my third anniversary as an excuse to write about my best subject: me.

So here goes.

I was born on a cold, cloudy evening on Nov. 20, 1989. I had a relatively normal childhood, except for that time my dad pushed me right out of the swing. Of course, being an older brother, things became difficult when-

Editor’s note: Due to the-oh, how do we put this nicely?-boring nature of the entire description of David’s childhood, we have edited his story, mainly by getting rid of most of it. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you, but trust us, it was a necessary task.

So as you can see, all of my life events have found a place into the making of this column, which, as stated before, has been running for three years.

Editor’s note: If he keeps this up, he won’t make it to four.

Especially the time when my dad pushed me right out of the swing. That may have played a vital role in some of the ways I think, but this is beside the point.

When people talk to me about my column, the thing they say the most is “I read your column this week.”

I always want to ask, “So what’s your point?” For some reason, people feel compelled to start a conversation with me by letting me know that my column was in the paper. But this isn’t what I’m getting at.

The second thing that people say to me the most is “Where do you come up with all your topics?” The truth is, I really don’t. This is a very top secret matter, which has never been leaked before, so don’t tell anyone, OK?

Editor’s Note: We fell asleep during this part, so we forgot to edit out this top secret information.

Behind the scenes at almost any newspaper in the country is a team of highly paid English majors who are working around the clock. Of course, I am just kidding. They are actually underpaid.

What they do is come up with the basic outline of every article that you see. They are the ones doing the research. Then, they just send us public writers the outline they have come up with, so we can personalize them by making up jokes about cavemen.

These outlines generally come with little comments, suggesting things they think we need to add in.

(Now, insert something about how we should get a raise.)

Sometimes us published writers forget to delete the suggestions before publishing our articles.

So as you can see, the newspaper business is a very difficult profession. What with all the personalizing I am forced to do week after week to make it sound like I’m writing this entire column. How I’ve lasted three years, I’ll never know.

But of course, it gets tougher. Sometimes the underpaid English majors go on vacation. We have to let them go, there’s a law about it or something. The absence of these people then forces us to actually come up with our own material.

Over the last three years, I have trained my mind to watch out for a good column topic, in case our English majors here at the Free Press decided to take a vacation.

Anything that happens when I’m around is automatically processed and analyzed by my brain cells, and then the data received will tell me if I can use what just happened in my column.

For example, one topic that came about this close-just imagine that I’m holding my pointer-finger and thumb very close-to making it was a Sludge Test we had in Physical Science (that’s a high school class) a few weeks ago. A Sludge Test is where we get a mixture of different liquids and solids, and we have to separate them by using the skills we have been taught.

Unfortunately, when I actually sat down to write about it, the only real interesting thing I could come up with was when someone dropped a test tube and it shattered. I wasn’t able to write about that for more than 100 words, so I gave up and probably wrote about chicken or something. This is why I will be so glad once those English majors get back.

This concludes my 153rd column, marking my third writing anniversary.

(Maybe you should thank all the people who have encouraged you.)

Oh yeah, and there have been a lot of people who have encouraged me. Most importantly are…

Editor’s note: We cut out all the stuff until the really good part.

…and especially the Free Press editor, Don Ratzlaff, who took a chance at letting a 12-year-old (me) write a regular column-and who wouldn’t ever add an editor’s note unless it was really necessary.

Were the editor’s notes above really necessary? You decide. Maybe I’ll confirm your answer in my 400th column.

Editor’s note: If he makes it that far.

* * *

UFO: A language called Taki, which is spoken in parts of Guinea, only has 340 words.

Don’t ask why!

Editor’s note: Actually, I do add the occasional note. If you enjoy David Vogel’s columns, he now has them in book form. “David Vogel Asks ‘Why?'” is available for sale at Thee Bookstore in Hillsboro.-DR

More from article archives
Special driver ends service to special kids
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN CYNTHIA MARTENS Bravely fighting back tears, she talks about her...
Read More