DON’T ASK WHY

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
Warning by a general surgeon: The proceeding column contains sarcasm. “Sarcasm” is defined as a humorous remark, sometimes used in satire. Nothing in this column should be taken seriously…. Or internally, for that matter. But if it is, do not induce vomiting and call your local poison control immediately.

* * *

English teacher and fellow Free Press columnist Bob Woelk once commented to me that too many people don’t appreciate sarcasm.

Ironically, this conversation took place as we were getting chicken in the school cafeteria. But unfortunately, it’s true. (This could be said for the sarcasm remark or the chicken, but I’m getting off topic.)

Actually, the ability to understand sarcasm is rooted in the comprehension of humor, another disability a lot of people have. These kind of people are serious 110 percent of the day. A simpler way of putting this is: they’re dull.

While many people believe a sense of humor is something you choose to have, this is not true. “Funnyness” goes back to the very beginning of time, starting with God. I have proof that the Lord has a good sense of humor: take a look at a giraffe.

So obviously, people who cannot laugh at anything have some sort of genetic flaw, like they jumped in to the gene pool while the life guard wasn’t looking. These people are really missing out on life.

I, fortunately, was able to avoid this handicap, and was blessed with a dad whose sense of humor is extremely abundant. Actually, that could possibly not be a blessing. But my point is, I see something funny in everything.

For example, the other day in PE, we were playing soccer. Someone kicked the ball very hard in the direction of someone else’s head (by the way, this was all unintentional), which was only a few feet away. Needless to say, that person’s head got smacked very hard. But fortunately, the ball bounced away from our goal.

This could have been a serious accident, but the first thing that popped into my mind was, “That’s using your head!”

See how my mind works? This is why I write columns about (attempted) funny topics.

I’m sure many people have wondered how come I don’t write about serious world events, the conflict in Iraq, for example, instead of, say, making up booger jokes.

I would do this, except I would probably crack a joke that would end up making someone mad, causing a nasty letter to the editor. Besides, I work very hard on my articles, spending upward of 10 seconds making up a joke!

(By the way, what does the geography of Iraq and a booger have in common? They’re both dry and crusty on the outside, but oily and slimy underneath! And to further prove the point about my dad, he commented that they’re both getting picked on. Ha ha!)

But people with humor disorders can’t define humor from seriousness. This could one day end up to be very dangerous, which is why the government should really step in with a program to either (A) insert a computer chip into non-humored people which would give them an artificial sense of humor, or (B) take these people off the streets and preserve them in ice until we do have that computer chip.

Maybe I should apologize to the editor now.

But before you write your angry letters, here’s another idea that would be more within grasp, and a lot warmer.

Every unfunny person would be required by law to wear some sort of clothing or accessory that would send them a light shocking sensation whenever something funny is said. If they don’t laugh right a way, they would be shocked again, only harder. If they still didn’t laugh, the same procedure would repeat, with the voltage increasing each time.

If the device was an earring, eventually their entire ear would be glowing with sparks flying off of it.

Unfortunately, this would prove to be another funny thing to laugh at, causing the shocking to get more intense.

If the person remained serious too long, it would probably be possible to operate a small appliance-like a toaster-by inserting the plug into their nose.

Of course, the toaster incident would be worst-case scenario, and most people would probably laugh right away.

But just in case, a general surgeon-I mean, the Surgeon General-should probably add a note to remove this device before stepping into the shower. That could be a very shocking experience, if you know what I mean.

* * *

UFO: The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

Don’t ask why.

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