DON’T ASK WHY

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
With spring break now upon us, summer vacation is only a nine-weeks session (or quarter) away.

While this school year has seemed to fly by, I’m still looking forward to my three-month break from high school.

Being in high school, I almost feel obligated to make my vacation productive. What am I saying? There’s only one thing to say: summer job.

(By the way, that last period [.] was pounded very forcefully, indicating that I’m really not terribly excited about this idea.)

So, in this spirit, I have been cultivating a few guidelines-and even ideas-as to what this summer job may be.

Of course, it would have two main requirements: (1) I don’t have to do much, and (2) I still get paid.

I am a true American teenager.

One of the first jobs that comes to mind is to be that guy who hides in the back of fast-food restaurants and sits on the hamburgers after they are done being baked, cooked or “nuked,” depending on your opinion of fast-food procedures.

You may be wondering about this job with questions like, “Why haven’t I ever heard about this job?”

There hasn’t been any publicity about it because it is such an ideal job, and franchise managers know the minute word gets out about it, they’ll be swamped with applications. So don’t tell anyone, OK?

But the job consists of this: you sit in a back room. When a costumer orders a hamburger, it is quickly prepared, and then given to you. You then sit on it, making it flat. Now you know why hamburgers always seem to come out more squished than they look on commercials.

And, if I do a good enough job, I might even get promoted to squirting extra grease onto the boxes that burgers like Big Macs come in, so that the customer can have the ultimate-mess-experience, because we love to see you grimace. Man, I’m lovin’ it!

But that’s just one job possibility. Another one of my ideas is to be that guy at Shopping Carts, Inc. who makes sure that there’s at least one annoying wheel on every shopping cart leaving the factory and heading for costumer-friendly stores like Wal-Mart or Your Local Grocer’s.

While this may sound like a simple concept, it is actually complex. I have actually done some research (meaning, I’m making most of this up as I go) on the different shopping-cart-squeaks.

Of course, there is the common “squeak…squeak…squeak” that almost all carts have. This is created by not oiling the wheel, and twisting the bolt too tightly.

There is also the occasional “warble, warble, warble” that you get from doing the exact opposite of the “squeak” method; too much oil and not enough tightening. The visual you get with this method is also quite amusing, because the wheel is constantly slipping back and forth.

You may also get the “clickityclickityclickityclickity,” which is done with the same concept as “The Wheel of Fortune” and the “Chashung…chashung…chashung” of making one side of the wheel fatter than the other.

So as you can see, this job may require some training.

Both of the above ideas come out of a hat with hundreds of other possibilities (such as the guys who get to come up with funny phrases to put on various items, such as “Apply to underarm only” on deodorant sticks), and I can assure you that I will consider all of them equally.

Most likely, they will all require a little extra training, which would be great for a teenage columnist with too much time on his hands.

I’m sure I’ll have all of your support while I’m on my job hunt.

* * *

UFO: Up until the publishing of the book “Peter Pan,” there is no record of the name “Wendy.”

Don’t ask why!

More from article archives
CAR CARE: Salesman offers tips for buying used cars
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN BY STAFF To get the most for your money when...
Read More