DON’T ASK WHY

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
Ever wonder what’s really intended for that plastic divider that comes with a brand-new stick of deodorant? Later. But first….

You now have less than 365 shopping days until Halloween! Just in case you like to get your shopping done way in advance, I thought I’d let you know.

The pessimist would say that we have a whole year to wait for the next Halloween. However, the optimistic would say it’s only been less than a week since the last Halloween…which hopefully means that you still have candy to eat.

I recently came across this humorous e-mail forward. You know Halloween is old when…

n you get winded from knocking on the door.

n you have to have a kid chew the candy for you.

n you ask for high-fiber candy only.

n someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

n people say, “Great Boris Karloff/witch mask,” and you’re not even wearing a mask.

n when the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

n by the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

n you have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

n you’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

n you can only go to three or four houses before you have to return home.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of our way, back to the deodorant puzzle.

Upon taking the cap off of a new stick of deodorant, I’ve often wondered just what that little plastic divider is there for.

In case your favorite brand doesn’t have one, I am referring to a small plastic piece, shaped to the curved mold of the deodorant stick, with a “handle” coming on the convex side. Sorry, that’s all the better I can describe it. For pictures, please email me at just_dont_ask_why@hotmail.com.

In my opinion, there is no use for this chunk of transparent plastic…especially where it is located. It’s not like deodorant really needs an extra piece of protection while sitting on the store shelves. It’s very unlikely it will prevent someone from testing it out or sampling it, as it’s not stuck down or permanently placed with a lock.

Yes, I can just see a thief sneaking into Wal-Mart, going straight to the personal-hygiene aisle, silently snatching a stick of Speed Stick, Right Guard, Maytag or any other brand of deodorant, and suspiciously start picking the lock.

Yeah, right.

These are the kinds of things that consumer specialists should be researching. They should stop worrying about putting “Direction: apply to underarm only” labels on deodorant sticks, and begin studying the true reason for this sleek, modern-designed piece of plastic.

The surgeon general should start operating deep examinations and operations on how our lives could be drastically changed if deodorant producers terminated these…objects!

The world has a right to know these things and we need to know them NOW! Please, write to your congressman-and if you don’t have one, try finding one on Ebay.com-and let him know you have deep concerns in these areas.

As for my opinion in this matter, the best possible use for this product is to punch a small hole through it, drown it in Elmer’s glue, smother it with green, red or gold glitter, stick a little hook through the hole and use it as an ornament on your Christmas tree.

* * *

UFO: When was deodorant invented? The original formula for Mum deodorant was invented in 1888 by an unknown inventor from Philadelphia. It is recognized as being the first product ever to prevent odor. The inventor quickly placed a trademark on his invention and marketed it through his nurse under the name of “‘Mum.'”

In the late 1940s, Helen Barnett Diserens joined the Mum invention team. A suggestion by a partner inspired Helen to develop an underarm deodorant based on the same principle as a new invention called the “ball point” pen.

This new type of deodorant applicator was tested in the United States in 1952 and was marketed under the name of Ban Roll-On. The first antiperspirant aerosol deodorant was launched in 1965.

Don’t ask why!

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