DON’T ASK WHY

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN DAVID VOGEL
With my family’s vacation coming up, I’ve been looking over what I need to take along. I’m sure it’s no surprise that clothes are at the top of my list. This brought me to reality with just how many T-shirts I have that actually fit!

Because the trip will last 10 days, I figured I’d need at least 11 shirts (if you’ve ever seen the way I eat, you know why- don’t ask why!)

My dresser drawers are all stuffed to the brim with shirts. The problem is, most of them suddenly got too small for me!

They fit the other day. It’s like the washing machine made them shrink, or maybe it was the soap!

Aha! It’s the soap that did it! I think I’ve got it figured out! The washing machine soap companies are in cahoots with the clothing industry! It’s all clear now!

The clothing corporations are paying soap manufacturers to put a special, unlisted, chemical into the detergent. After a couple of washings, any article of clothing-cotton or no cotton-will have shrunk at least two sizes (unlike the Grinch’s heart, which GREW three sizes. Maybe he never bathed), creating the need for new clothes.

With all the demands from people around the world who need new clothing, clothes will fly off the racks. The clothing companies will then be making more money, enabling them to continue paying detergent makers, and-. It all makes sense now! It’s one big circle!

Then again, if this is occurring, pretty much anything could happen. Maybe this circle is actually a figure eight! Yes, that’s it!

Not only are soap makers getting paid to promote buying new clothes, but food producers are in on it too!

Like the soap companies, food industries are also getting paid by clothing producers to inject a special formula into any product. The injection is probably filled with high fat levels and empty calories. This would also answer the question as to why America is getting a little more round in the middle.

With the combination of shrinking pants and growing waists, the clothing industry has it made!

Folks, I think we’ve stumbled onto something great. Who would have thought that the planning stage for a vacation could have discovered something so detailed and secret? Something that could eventually rip the seams (no pun intended) of an organized nation like ours?

Then again, it could just be a story a writer made up, looking for something to put in his column.

Hmm-it could happen!

* * *

UFO: What a bright idea! It would take 14.3 billion fireflies to generate the visible brightness of the sun!

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