VIEW FROM THE HILL

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN PAUL PENNER
I have never considered myself a member of the “conspiracy club,” although I have met people who could have been charter members. They do not live in this community, thankfully.

I suspect conspiracy theories begin as unfounded rumors, created by fertile minds that have nothing better to do than to prey on the fears of their fellow human beings. How else do you think they created the television show “The X Files”?

Rumors have a way of growing bigger than life. For instance, one person will overhear part of a conversation between two other people. He or she will most likely come to an incorrect conclusion about what was said.

Though all the facts are unknown prior to the first hearing, the first known fact is the major thesis of the newly formed rumor. Truth is so distorted that it is barely recognizable. The spotlight is on the fabrication, which takes on a life of its own, and-wah-lah-a conspiracy theory is born.

Just for the fun of it, I have a few rumors and conspiracy theories of my own, displayed in print purely for entertainment purposes.

And yes, I did have nothing better to do at the time.

Some facts are true, others are not. You need not know which is which to be a true believer.

I heard that President George Bush will make an unscheduled campaign stop in Kansas while on the way to California. He will personally pilot a National Guard fighter plane to the Salina Airport and from there make his way to Wichita to throw out the first football at the Wichita Stealth home game.

My reliable source claims no one will ever know he was there. I cannot recall the source’s name though. However, the word is the Beach Boys will accompany President Bush, singing “and he’ll have fun, fun, fun ’til his daddy takes the T-birds away.”

It could happen, you know.

Rumor also has it that presidential candidate John Kerry will not be outdone by his opponent. He, too, will make a stop in Kansas.

First, he’ll make a pro-military speech at Fort Riley, duck out in the middle of the program and attend an anti-war rally on the KU campus in Lawrence.

It sounds plausible enough to me.

But wait, you have to hear this one. Remember the passage of the Homeland Security Act? Hold on to your hats. That is only half the story they want you to know.

Americans lost some of their personal freedoms on this one. Wiretaps that used to be illegal are now legal. Undercover informants have infiltrated peace-loving groups in an attempt to neutralize potential terrorist activities. They have even started riots during peaceful demonstrations and used pepper spray on law-abiding citizens, all in the name of protecting Americans from terrorism.

Big government is in cahoots with big business, especially the pharmaceutical giants. According to some medical experts, acceptable HDL levels are now at 78.

I do not believe Americans can get their HDL levels down that low. They want all citizens to become pill poppers, but not for health reasons.

From what I gather, Lipitor will be the preferred drug of choice.

Moreover, if you refuse to take your medicine, access to health insurance coverage will be denied.

They want everyone to go on low-carbohydrate, low-protein and low-energy diets. They do not want you to get healthier; they want you to get smaller and weaker, to the point of starvation. That way they can control your behavior and make it easier to defeat the terrorists among us, so they say.

And the worst part is-they will also prescribe Zoloft to keep everybody happy and floating on the clouds. That makes it easier for the government agents to spot terrorists. They will be the ones not having a good time, but have the energy to fight back.

It could happen.

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