Sideline Slants

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN JOE KLEINSASSER
My old friend and agent I.M. Slick stopped by the other day with another senseless suggestion and an offer that I could refuse.

Slick: You know what? I know a sports figure that could use your help in polishing his image.

Joe: No kidding? Who is it? There are a million of them you know. Jerry Tarkanian? Bobby Knight? Jim Harrick?

Slick: Stop already. You’re not even close. This guy makes them look like choir boys.

Joe: OK, I give up. Who needs my help?

Slick: Uday Hussein.

Joe: Uh, isn’t that the son of Saddam Hussein?

Slick: Sure is. Do you have something against the Hussein family?

Joe: Well, I read on the ESPN Web site recently there may never have been a sports official as brutal as Uday. Former players and coaches say Uday is the problem with Iraqi sports. They say the threat of being tortured, and the interference of Uday-who is known to scream at players at halftime of soccer matches and dictate to coaches who will play-undermined their performances.

Slick: That doesn’t sound so un-American to me.

Joe: The story also said that as president of the Iraqi National Olympic Committee, Uday allegedly tortures athletes for losing games.

Slick: That depends on how you define torture. How many coaches make players run extra wind sprints after making a bad play or losing a game?

Joe: Yes, but the ESPN.com article said Uday sticks them in prison for days or months at a time and has them beaten with iron bars or caned on the soles of their feet. It also says some athletes are chained to walls and left to stay in contorted positions for days.

Slick: Don’t be too quick to judge. That may be appropriate if it’s their gymnastics team.

Joe: In addition, sources say some athletes are dragged on pavement until their backs are bloody, then dunked in sewage to ensure the wounds become infected. If Uday stops by a player’s jail cell, he might urinate on the athlete’s bowed, shaven head just to humiliate him.

Slick: I never denied the guy has an image problem.

Joe: In an Amnesty International report, Uday reportedly ordered that the hand of an Olympic committee security guard, accused of stealing sports equipment, be cut off.

Slick: You know the saying, “An eye for an eye.”

Joe: Yes, but the missing equipment was later found.

Slick: Mistakes happen.

Joe: Beyond the torture of athletes, forces working for Uday and his father have killed more than 50 former athletes and sports figures, according to the Iraqi Olympic Council, a group of exiled Iraqi athletes.

Slick: Whiners.

Joe: One human rights group submitted a photo of an unnamed Iraqi table tennis player, who claims he was tortured under orders of Uday Hussein, in its report to the International Olympic Committee.

Slick: A table tennis player? He probably just needed some toughening up.

Joe: And in February, the International Olympic Committee approved a formal investigation into the torture of athletes in Iraq, along with a cryptic warning that it cannot prevent any harm that may come to athletes who serve as witnesses.

Slick: Remember, you’re talking about the IOC. Of course they can spot corruption. They wrote the book on it.

Joe: Sorry, but I don’t think I’m the right one for the job.

Slick: Well, OK. But don’t say that I didn’t give you the opportunity.

Joe: All I know is that under the circumstances, I’d rather be the Iraqi ping-pong player than Uday.

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