Free Falling

I’m thinking of considering to start a new organization-the United States Association to Stamp Out and Eliminate Repetition and Redundancy Society of America.

Currently, repetition and redundancy are running rampant and out of control at this time. We must ask people to cease and desist in this heinous and unforgivable crime against our language and native tongue.

Please join me in calling for the banishment and elimination of the following phrases listed below:

Arson fire. Where there’s fire, there’s smoke, unless you are talking propane. But where there’s no fire, there can be no arson.

Even par. Now, admittedly, I’m not much of a golfer. I play the game occasionally, and sometimes I watch it on television. Help me out, here. Is it possible to be anywhere but even on the scorecard if you are at par? Can you par a hole and not be even? Shouldn’t there be some kind of test announcers should pass before they can speak over the airwaves?

ATM machine. An ATM is an “automated teller machine.” Adding a second “machine” will not net one more dime, thin or otherwise.

HIV virus. The letters stand for “human immunodeficiency virus.” Therefore, you are saying “human immunodeficiency virus virus.” Unless we are talking about a virus that attacks HIV, it doesn’t make much sense.

Hot water heater. If the water is hot, there’s certainly no reason to heat it.

False start before the snap. I think it’s great that football officials are allowed to speak directly to the crowds concerning a penalty. But, folks, by its very definition, a false start has to occur before the snap, doesn’t it? My understanding is that offensive players can move once the football is snapped.

Mid Central Activities Association. While I am on the subject of sports, is it not possible to come up with a better name for a high school league? I know the conference is split up into two divisions, the Mid and the Central, but is Hillsboro in the middle of the Central Division or the center of the Mid Division?

Own your own home? Yes, I do, do. Actually, the bank does, but I’m working on it.

Sierra Mountains. Even my poor Spanish is enough to know that sierra means “mountain.” I used to think that Sahara Desert was also redundant because there was only one desert named the Sahara. Now, however, a person could be talking about a hotel in Las Vegas.

UMB Bank. This is the one that started all this thinking about redundancy. My understanding was that UMB stood for United Missouri Bank. Every time I heard the commercial on radio or TV, I cringed.

I even went to the UMB Web site, where I uncovered the history of the Kansas City-based financial institution. Apparently, its former official name was United Missouri Bancshares Inc. until it was shortened and changed to UMB Bank in 1986. So, technically, I guess the company is off the hook.

Set a new world record. There’s really no point in setting an old world record, is there? That would only be a tie.

Future plans. Past history. Past experience. All plans are for the future. All history has already happened. All experience has taken place in the past. Come on, people.

So, please help me in my quest for rest and relaxation, join the USASOERRSA. This offer will not be repeated.

More from article archives
Two school records fall at competitive Hesston meet
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN STAFF The Hillsboro High School track team came away from...
Read More