Partly Nonsense

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN JOEL KLAASSEN
Lock me up in a room full of fresh crispy apples, a paring knife and a tub of caramel for dipping the apple slices and see if I care.


* * *


What is the correct way to read a newspaper? There is none.


I like to start with the front page and work my way back. It has to be in an orderly fashion. I think I do it this way so that I don’t miss anything. If a story jumps, I don’t catch up with it again until I get to the page that has it.


Since this is National Newspaper Week, we say it is a good thing to read a newspaper no matter how you chose to read it. Our average issue contains about 30,000 to 40,000 words and we’re sure you will find a good many items that interest you among all of those words, including the ads.


Remember, no news is not good news.


* * *


We were sitting on the bench on South Main in front of our apartment the other evening. I took off my glasses to rub something stuck in my eye and a car drove by and the driver waved.


Since I couldn’t see who it was without my glasses, I asked Nancy who it was. She said she couldn’t tell because she wasn’t wearing her glasses either.


* * *


A friend was telling me about the woman he knew, a newspaper reporter, who had an unconventional way of typing. He said she typed everything using only one finger on her right hand.


She was the only one he knew who could eat lunch while writing a story.


* * *


Sometime when you have absolutely nothing to do, check the size of your eyeballs by feeling them. I’ll bet they’re not even close to being the same size.


* * *


We had some very convincing evidence that people, far and wide, read our classified advertising section when partner Don Ratzlaff decided to give away some old firewood.


At last count he received 25 calls, which came from Hillsboro, Marion, Peabody, Canton, Lehigh and Durham.


It proves two things: People read the Free Press and that “free” is a powerful word.

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