Sideline Slants

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN JOE KLEINSASSER
— When in doubt, sneak up from behind… Early this season Frank Robinson handed out suspensions and fines to 25 players and coaches for a combined 82 games for taking part in a brawl between the Tigers and White Sox.



The action appeared to be entirely appropriate because the fight went beyond the typical baseball brawl. Most notably, players actually fought, a clear violation of the standards and etiquette of any baseball fight.



I don’t know who wrote the following about basebrawls, but it’s worth sharing.



While Robinson’s rulings made it clear to players what they should not do when a fight breaks out on the field, it’s unclear just what a player should do in the case of violence. Lead the pack onto the field and you face a suspension. But stay behind and you risk a loss of respect from teammates and ridicule from your opponents.



Based on years of watching and covering baseball, here are some rules for behavior during a fight:



When sufficiently provoked by an opponent, look menacing and shout angry insults, like “Your mother wears running shoes that you haven’t endorsed!” and “Well, we’ll see what my agent has to say about that!”



If tensions escalate, always remember that under no circumstances should you ever be the first player on the field. This could only lead to getting hit. Instead, nervously edge your way to the top of the dugout steps, feinting and bobbing there like the contestants used to do on “To Tell the Truth” while waiting for the real tough guy to stand up.



Look for a close friend playing for the other team and pretend to wrestle him.



Always keep umpires in sight and close by so they can break things up in the rare case your opponent really wants to fight.



Finally, if your team wins the game, tell reporters that the fight really sparked something in you and that fights can be a good thing for a team. If your team loses, say the fight upset your momentum and took your pitcher out of his rhythm and that the umpires let things get way out of control.



— Now that’s what I call a blown save…. Jose Mesa gave a whole new meaning to that term blown save earlier this season at Tropicana Field. He blew the save and then the entire afternoon with this astonishing line: 1/3 inning pitched, seven hits, nine runs, nine earned runs, two walks, no strikeouts, one home run, two doubles, 38 pitches – to get one out and one ejection (after two pitches looked a little too ominous to the plate umpire).



After Mesa took a hike, somebody had to pitch, so Lou Piniella finally pointed to utilityman John Mabry. He wandered into this mess with the bases loaded and produced this line: two-thirds innings pitched, three hits, two runs, two earned runs, one walk, no strikeouts, three more runs charged to Mesa.



Asked to describe his pitching philosophy, Mabry replied, “Just get them to hit the ball at someone and hope they don’t kill any fielders in the process.”



Grab a dog…. About 26 million hot dogs will be eaten at Major League Baseball games this season, according to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. (Belch)



— Well, duh…. Some things would be better left unsaid. Consider the following.



New Orleans Saints runningback George Rogers, asked about the coming season, said, “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”



Upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Washington Redskins say, “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom, too.”



Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann reportedly said, “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”



A college football coach was quoted as saying, “You guys line up alphabetically by height. You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”



— P.S…. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way if he or she gets angry, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.

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