Written by Joe Kleinsasser Tuesday, 06 January 2009 14:17
I don’t want to rush into another year without first bringing a number of critically important matters to my readers’ attention.
n With the government bailing out so many financial institutions, etc., will BCS change its name from Bowl Championship Series to Bailout Championship Series?
n According to one e-mail I received, if BCS logic had prevailed in determining the winner of World War II, Germany would have won and the United States would have finished fourth. Here’s how.
After determining the Big 12 championship game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.
Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the U.S. and Russia; however, considering their entire body of work—including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule—our computers deemed them worthy of the No. 1 ranking.
Questioned about the No. 4 ranking of the United States, the BCS commissioner stated, “The U.S. only had two major victories—Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren’t influenced by head-to-head contests—they consider each contest to be only a single, equally weighted event.”
German Chancellor Adolph Hitler said, “Yes, we lost to the U.S., but we defeated No. 2 ranked France in only six weeks.”
Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn “style points” to enhance Germany’s rankings. Hitler protested, “Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day, and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces.”
The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented, “France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason No. 1 ranking, they only fell to No. 2.”
Japan was ranked No. 3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.
n Will the new football field to be shared by Tabor College and Hillsboro High School be ready in time for the 2009 season? If it isn’t, where will they play?
n Did you hear that a rubber-band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption? I know that doesn’t have anything to do with sports, but it’s my column, so get over it.
n In the unfinished business category, Mark Sweeney to Manny Ramirez, a day after the Dodgers found themselves without a left fielder when the ninth inning began, because Manny thought he’d been taken out for defense: “Hey Manny, we’re playing nine innings tonight.”
n If you don’t think times are strange, consider that during the Brett Favre watch before the NFL season, it was reported the Green Bay Packers offered Favre in the neighborhood of $20 million over several years to stay retired. Shucks, I’m willing to stop writing Sideline Slants for a whole lot less money if the Free Press cares to listen.
n Among other things, my dad is known for having played intramural basketball at Tabor College long after most faculty and administrators had hung up their sneakers. But his basketball exploits can’t top this one.
n Seventy-three-year-old Ken Mink, a 6-foot, 190-pound newcomer to the Roane State (Tenn.) junior college basketball team, scored two points in Roane State Community College’s 93-42 victory over King College’s junior varsity in November. After getting fouled, he made two free throws.
One writer said, “Ken Mink may be the first guy who can qualify for a senior discount during his senior season.”
Mink is likely the oldest person to ever play college hoops. Putting it in perspective, Utah State’s Gary Wilkinson will be among the oldest Division I players this season, and he’s just 26.
n I’d tell you to have a Happy New Year, but I don’t want you to complain that I told you what to do.