Thanks to Dan the Stadium Operations Worker, the time has come to publish a long overdue Facebook rant:
As long as people continue to send me famous quotes and links to funny videos in e-mail, of what use is Facebook?
I mean, other than making cryptic comments on status updates, posting links to funny videos, finding out where da party at, declining application invitations, stalking, re-reading my own work history and laughing out loud, searching for famous people and politicians to poke, alliterating, building a fictive Netflix queue out of other people's favorite movies, reading [female name]’s wall as if it were a romantic novel written by a million chimpanzees with a million typewriters, finding out what the hip new bands the young folks listen to are called, keeping apprised of [male name]’s latest accomplishments in Mob Wars, ignoring group invitations and friend suggestions, chatting with people I rarely get to talk to in real life, watching/hoping/praying for a new notification, laughing at other people's drama, and progressively ruining my eyesight by spending 97 hours a week reading comments on other people's photo albums, I just don't have a lot of interest in what Facebook is all about.
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In case you haven’t noticed the story, ESPN.com reported Monday that Dan the Stadium Operations Worker was fired by the Philadelphia Eagles for making “Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver … Dam Eagles R Retarted!!” his Facebook status. Great job, Dan.
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I gave up Facebook a few months ago, and I made it to the part of the 12-step program where I only missed it once or twice a week. Then I caved.
Almost dumping Facebook isn’t quite an accomplishment, but that’s not the point—I recently read that some people observe Lent by giving up Facebook, text messaging, technology in general…and I have to ask, what does the Technology Mardi Gras before Technology Ash Wednesday look like?
Do crushing crowds of people with addictive personalities and poor moral fiber make a mass-pilgrimage to Silicon Valley? Do programmers cruise by on hovercraft-powered parade floats throwing out RAZRs by the fistful? Do 24-year-old CEOs flanked on balconies by dozens of nerdy girls hold up their 4G iPhone prototypes for everyone on the streets below to covet?
Sounds like Cops: Las Vegas: Entertainment Software Association Expo Edition—one episode I hope to never see live.
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Even more—unless some pioneering geek has revolutionized the way the system works in the months I’ve been away— there are only a few kinds of Facebook stati (statuses? whatever…) out there, which are best described with hybrid pseudo-words like “awkwarboring” or “fundane.”
The least interesting are too pathetisad to classify. Why should I care if Bill Simmons is flying on an airplane finishing a mailbag right now?
But Simmons’ mailbag was right about one thing: after you filter out all of the “(Girl's name) is … trying to remember the last time she looked at her husband without wanting to punch him in the face” and “(Girl's name) is … just going to keep eating, it's not like I have sex anymore” updates, there are some not-completely-horrible-to-read-and-make-fun-of Facebook stati out there.
Knowing first-hand how many people (myself included, maybe) have posted one or more “WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION, DUDE”-type updates, it’s just amazing to me that it has taken so long for Dan the Stadium Operations Worker to cash out his 15 minutes of fame over something stupid said very publicly on the Internet. At least it was almost sports-related.
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Final thought: I’ll go way out on a limb here and predict that colleges across the country will soon offer “creative writing” courses dedicated to helping students discover how to condense every last detail of their innermost thoughts into 140 characters without resorting to profanity.
I’ll stick to haikus, thanks.