New movies that shouldn’t be made

Written by Bob Woelk Tuesday, 11 January 2011 17:14

The holiday season that just concluded presented an opportunity for filmmakers to roll out their best and most creative movies in hopes of catching consumers in festive moods just itching to spend their entertainment dollars. And the attention of the movie dudes who give out the Oscars.

But, at the start of a new year, the quality generally goes down. Lots of really bad shows hit the silver screen. I am nothing if not helpful. So, here are some utterly fictitious and entirely ridiculous ideas I would like to pitch to Hollywood executives searching for the next great cinematic triumph.

Don’t look for these flicks at a theater near you any time soon.

“Brownback Mountain.” A newly installed governor tries to scale the mound of problems he will face in his role as his state’s leading office holder and point man for his political party’s agenda.

“True Spit.” A washed up Major League Baseball umpire is hired by a batgirl to hunt down the manager who wrongly traded her father, a left-handed relief pitcher, to the Kansas City Royals. He spent the final days of his professional career toiling in relative obscurity for the perennial American League doormat.

“Yogi Berra and Sarah.” This lighthearted comedy features the antics of two cartoon bears of a linguistic feather. Yogi, famous for such sayings as “It ain’t over ’til it’s over,” and “Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching,” is portrayed as a lovable but grizzled buffoon who tutors a smallish sidekick named Sarah Boo. In one of best scenes, she declares that she can see all the way to Mexico from their home in Denali National Park.

“Flan: Legacy.” A young custard chef finds himself pulled into the same recipe Web site where his father has been trapped for 20 years. Though visually stunning, the storyline is a bit shaky and slick, yet sweet, much like the pudding that lends its name to the film.

“Uncombed.” Tweener heartthrob Justin Bieber stars as a creatively coiffed prince who must leave his sheltered life in a recording studio to pursue a cheerleader into the dark and dangerous plains of Kansas, where even a shellacking of hairspray won’t protect his prepubescent-perfect doo from marauding winds.

“127 Minutes.” A small-town housewife cuts off her own ears after she hears the first campaign ad for the 2012 election even before the 2010 winners have taken their government seats. The title refers to the amount of time the airwaves and print media refrained from running political commercials after this year’s polls closed.

“Unreadable.” An English teacher frantically works to stop a high school from being overrun by text-message-style writing in this 3-D+ thriller.

“The King’s Tweet.” As his country prepares to go to war, an unlikely prince is suddenly thrust into power as the leader of England. His dilemma? He is notoriously longwinded and must give his entire acceptance speech in fewer than 140 characters.

“Gullible’s Travels.” A travel writer is duped into believing TSA agents at airports are abusing security scans by saving and printing images of his physique and posting them on the Web. As a protest, he walks through security in just his underwear and discovers that, in fact, nobody really wants to ogle him after all.

“Hairy Pothead and the Deadly Secondhand Smoke.” In the first of two parts, Hairy and his pals from Berkeley journey into the dark world of medical marijuana dispensaries with some help from Cheech and Chong.

“Little Leakers.” This sequel to “Meet the Leakers” follows a group of vertically challenged cyber sleuths as they attempt to track down those responsible for exposing vital government secrets by posting them on the Internet.