Sports Illustrated often runs outlandish pieces of athletic news under the headline “Signs of the Apocalypse.” The gag, of course, is that since something so bizarre is happening, the end of the world must be near.
In that spirit, I’ve come up with a few futuristic predictions for Christmastime signs that doomsday will be upon us. Of course, all of this is just in fun. But some of these events might sound a little too realistic for comfort.
During Christmastime in the apocalypse, you won’t have to leave your house—or evening think, for that matter—to go Christmas shopping. Based on years of collected data from your holiday season credit card records, department store computers will automatically calculate your projected merchandise purchases for the current year.
The computer results will be sent to the stores’ shipping departments, and all of your gifts for friends and family will be automatically delivered right to your door. That is, as soon as the automated credit card billing process is initiated.
During Christmastime in the apocalypse, Elvis Presley—who has actually been alive all these years—will come out of hiding to record a brand-new Christmas album. It will of course include a duet with Justin Bieber, as well as a cheesy rendition of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”
During Christmastime in the apocalypse, Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church will have their own two-hour Christmas special on NBC. Ironically, the church will also picket this event, because apparently it’s not worth doing if there isn’t picketing.
During Christmastime in the apocalypse, the Apple company—continuing its legacy of efficient and reliable merchandise—will introduce iTwinkle, strands of the first-ever dependable Christmas tree lights.
Features will include the ability to turn the lights on and off remotely from your iPad or iPhone, automatically refresh filaments for burned-out bulbs and, when upgraded to OS X Reindeer, the capability for a single strand to switch back and forth from white lights to colored.
Windows will counter this by introducing its own line of competing Christmas tree lights, which will of course require 57 automated software updates before powering up for the first time.
During Christmastime in the apocalypse, scientists will use traces of George Frideric Handel’s DNA from his burial site at Westminster Abbey to grow a clone of the famous composer.
Handel Two will go on tour, directing performances of “Messiah” to packed-out stadiums all over the world.
During Christmastime in the apocalypse, Congress will vote to reschedule all other holidays that take place between August and December to other parts of the year. Thanksgiving, for example, will take place on the fourth Thursday in July. This will allow the Christmas shopping season to officially begin the following Friday.
Not only will this save retailers from criticism of selling Christmas merchandise too early, but shoppers will also benefit from the fact that it will still be a balmy 80 degrees Fahrenheit while they stand in lines waiting for the stores to open in the middle of the night. Hot chocolate and blankets will be traded for bug spray and mosquito nets.
I would imagine that most of these events, if they were to ever happen at all, are still many, many years away. So in the meantime, let’s just enjoy the season and put on some festive Christmas music.
Might I suggest Elvis?