Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 18 December 2012 14:22
NORTH POLE-—Politicians from the world’s holiday headquarters will be voting later this week on a new bill that could knock the stockings off Santa Claus’s traditional gift-giving strategy.
Ike Sickel, a spokeselve for the North Pole’s left-wing Decemocratic Party, made a pointed statement to the press earlier today that the new bill will precipitate in an even distribution of presents.
“The current system of giving gifts is to award presents based on the actions a child has displayed throughout the year,” Sickel said. “It’s archaic.”
The new bill offers a solution to what some are calling the Present Present Crisis, and offers a proposed improvement to the system that Claus manages each Dec. 24.
“For far too long, the top 2 percent of the world’s good boys and girls have been receiving a majority of the gifts the North Pole produces each year,” Sickel said. “Why should these children benefit from all of the other children who make them look so good all year long?”
The bill, Sickle said, outlines a system in which all the gifts earned by the most well-mannered boys and girls would be appropriated down the scale of behavior so that each child is given an equal share of that holiday’s presents.
Action to move the bill forward is apparently a result of the worldwide Occupy 34th Street movement, in which 20-somethings who led mediocre childhoods marched in their cities’ Christmas parades to protest the fact that their friends always got more toys.
“So I put a tack on Teacher’s chair in 1995,” one scruffy faced picketer told Holly Ivy, a reporter for The Wrapping Paper. “Somebody snitched on me and I got nothing.”
Opponents of the bill, however, are quick to dash through the liberals’ snow.
It seems, like so many others around the world this time of year, many conservative North Pole residents are struggling with the bill.
Among them are Claus’s staff, who warn that the legislation will dismantle all that’s been left by the chimney with care.
“Sure, the good kids get more presents,” said Sylvia Bells, who chimed in for the Republitzen party. “It was set up that way for a reason. Rewarding bad boys and girls with gifts is like painting a red nose on a regular deer: It’s not that bright and it ain’t gonna fly.”
Gabe Rielle, a leader of the conservative party, harkened a more practical opposition: “If good kids lose the incentive to be model citizens—if there is no more encouragement for them to keep up the good work—what good are we doing for anyone? We can’t just wing it.”
However, a hidden video recording leaked to the media adds a new knot in this tangle of lights: it seems that Claus has already come to the realization that no matter the incentive, some kids will just never be good. And it seems he doesn’t care.
“There are 47 percent of the kids who are going to be bad no matter what,” a grainy Claus said in the footage. “All right, 47 percent who will hide a frog in their sister’s bed, who will make their friend eat a bug, who will deliberately fill the sugar bowl with ants. My job is not to worry about these kids.”
North Pole political pundits propose this faux pas may push pending politicians towards the proposed bill.
And all those P’s won’t be the first to yellow Claus’s snow this year:
To regulate Claus’s health, the North Pole Department of Aggravation earlier banned frosted sugar cookies from all of his Christmas Eve stops and mandated that milk must be consumed from a 16 ounce or smaller cup.
As for the bill to resolve the Present Present Crisis, voting will conclude this Friday. If passed, it will go into effect as early as this Christmas, giving Claus only three days to repeal and, more likely, re-wrap.
“We’re optimistic our proposition will be passed” said liberal politician Hart Kandy. “Kids can still be good if they want to. But only for goodness sake.”
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